Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle - EP#5 - Drinkin' that Pruno
Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle is a serialized, comedy, audio drama. Listen to the stories of four ladies who started a rap battle in a Manitoba correctional facility during the 90s. In this episode Miss Minj and Chartreuse talk about the old days while sipping on pruno (prison wine).
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A full list of music and sample credits can be found here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/57901336
Transcript
[Lady Ping Pong] Oh, that tape player very high quality.
Speaker:[Narrator] I think it's a Sony.
Speaker:[Lady Ping Pong] Oh Sony very good, very high quality.
Speaker:Hmm, you want to sell that tape player?
Speaker:Lady Ping Pong give you good price.
Speaker:[Narrator] Well I mean, I sort of need it.
Speaker:[Lady Ping Pong] What you think I low ball you?
Speaker:[Narrator]I don't really know what you're talking about.
Speaker:[Lady Ping Pong] Oh now you no understand.
Speaker:You make fun of Lady Ping Pong's English?
Speaker:You racist.
Speaker:[Narrator] No, I would never...
Speaker:[Lady Ping Pong] You motherfucking racist.
Speaker:I hope panda shit on your head.
Speaker:[Narrator] Calm down, I was just trying to record.
Speaker:[Lady Ping Pong] Oh oh, so sorry, so sorry.
Speaker:Yeah I shut my mouth like nice village girl.
Speaker:Yeah yeah, go ahead.
Speaker:Say your racist shit.
Speaker:[Narrator] Uh, okay.
Speaker:[Narrator] In 1998 a radio producer was allowed to record in a Manitoba correctional facility.
Speaker:These are the stories of the women inside.
Speaker:[Song Lyrics] Come on now.
Speaker:That's right.
Speaker:When I say hard, you say time.
Speaker:Hard!
Speaker:[Crowd] Time!
Speaker:When I say rap, you say battle.
Speaker:Rap!
Speaker:[Crowd] Battle!
Speaker:That's right suckers.
Speaker:Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Home sweet home.
Speaker:Ain't nothing like being locked up in the SHU for a couple of days to make you miss
Speaker:a tiny-ass cell like this.
Speaker:It's just so comfortable.
Speaker:I got my special pillow.
Speaker:I mean this pillow right here is actually four pillows that I done sewed together to
Speaker:get one.
Speaker:I mean you can't get no fluffy pillow like this so you got to put them together.
Speaker:You know what I’m saying.
Speaker:Use your head.
Speaker:Over here I got my ukulele.
Speaker:Now I know what you're thinking.
Speaker:But you just watch.
Speaker:One of these days you're gonna hear something fierce coming out my house, you know.
Speaker:I just need me like a couple more years of practice or whatever.
Speaker:Oh shit, I almost forgot.
Speaker:Right here I got my most prized possession, my BKs boy.
Speaker:You know how hard it is to get a pair of British knights up in here?
Speaker:I mean I love these goddamn shoes.
Speaker:I love these shoes so much I won't even wear them out in the yard.
Speaker:[Narrator] How'd you get them?
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Oh shit. you sure you want to hear about that?
Speaker:I mean this is like the saddest shit ever.
Speaker:Like a love story for the books man.
Speaker:Okay, so one of the best ways to get shit up in here is to get yourself a sugar daddy.
Speaker:And the way you do that is you put yourself up on like one of them electronic bulletin
Speaker:boards.
Speaker:[Narrator] You mean the internet?
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Uh I mean, I can't say how it works per se.
Speaker:I just know that you send a letter with like a little blurb about yourself to the Church
Speaker:of Scientology in Winnipeg and then some preacher put that information on his computer so other
Speaker:people can read it.
Speaker:I mean, I know I wrote something like, 'Hot Mama, looking for a Down Daddy.
Speaker:Must love basketball and Jesus.'
Speaker:And then you know, I just waited.
Speaker:Letters started coming in from all over the world.
Speaker:You know what I’m saying baby.
Speaker:Like Sydney, Tokyo, Kalamazoo, fancy places you know what I’m saying.
Speaker:But out of all of them motherfuckers I chose Franz to be my sugar daddy you know because
Speaker:he could just write these letters and that shit just like melt you.
Speaker:You know what I’m saying.
Speaker:I mean at first I played that motherfucker good.
Speaker:You know how it is.
Speaker:I was like, 'Hey baby, I need some hair products up in here to keep me looking good.
Speaker:Could you send me some cocoa oil and some of that saffron orange shampoo that smells
Speaker:so good?'
Speaker:And then like a week later package come in the mail.
Speaker:So like the next month I’m talking to him on the phone and I’m like, 'Hey baby, I
Speaker:sure could use me one of them Toblerones.
Speaker:You know what I’m saying, that fancy chocolate.
Speaker:And some cocoa powder for my coffee because you know I like them cadillacs.'
Speaker:A month later Cherokee's hand me another package with all that shit.
Speaker:So like after a few weeks I was like damn you know I gotta ask this motherfucker for
Speaker:what I really want.
Speaker:So I’m like, 'Hey, what you think about sending me some white British Knight high
Speaker:tops?'
Speaker:And he's like, 'Yeah sure baby, see you next week.'
Speaker:And I’m like, 'Wait what?
Speaker:Next week?'
Speaker:Shit this motherfucker is gonna come and see me.
Speaker:I need to get ready I need to get right.
Speaker:So you know I got my nails did like electric blue, looking fierce as hell.
Speaker:Mabel hooked me up with some booty shorts, so you know I was looking right.
Speaker:And when he walked into visitation you should have seen that motherfucker's face.
Speaker:So the first thing he said to me is, 'You sure don't look like how you sound on the
Speaker:phone.'
Speaker:And I’m like, 'What?
Speaker:What do you mean I don't look like I sound?
Speaker:I sound like a powerful woman, motherfucker.'
Speaker:I mean I almost walked out of visitation right there.
Speaker:Like Chartreuse ain't having that shit.
Speaker:I mean what the fuck.
Speaker:Like I don't judge people by their voice.
Speaker:Like I don't say I ain't gonna hang around with that girl because she don't talk pretty.
Speaker:You know I love people for who they are on the inside.
Speaker:But you know, then I remembered.
Speaker:I’m here for these BKs.
Speaker:Like what the fuck you doing right now Chartreuse.
Speaker:So I’m like, 'Boy did you bring me them BKs or what?
Speaker:Wouldn't you know it, he had the shoes in the box right there.
Speaker:So I’m like, 'All right then, I guess we can conversate for a minute.
Speaker:You know what I’m saying.
Speaker:Why don't you hit up that vending machine right over there and get us a cola, a Twix
Speaker:bar, a Twinkie, and a bag of chips.
Speaker:Cause you know Chartreuse likes to snack.
Speaker:But you know that was the start of it all.
Speaker:Every month you know, he been sending me presents and love letters.
Speaker:And you know, I won't lie I started to fall for him a little bit.
Speaker:[Gun Tower] In Line.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Uh, you asking me how I make pruno?
Speaker:Fucking hell.
Speaker:Seriously, you think I’m just gonna tell you my secret recipe?
Speaker:You think I’ll just hand over how I make me hand crafted hooch?
Speaker:Nah mate, nah nah.
Speaker:I’ve spent years perfecting me wine.
Speaker:[Cuddles] It's mostly orange juice.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Fuck off Cuddles!
Speaker:Come on!
Speaker:Selling pruno's me livelihood.
Speaker:Can't go around telling people me recipe, you know.
Speaker:That's not right, all right.
Speaker:Keep it in house, Cuddles.
Speaker:[Cuddles] I better motor before it gets too late.
Speaker:I ordered some stuff from Lady Ping Pong.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Ah yeah huh, picking up some bits and bobs, are ya.
Speaker:All right then, I’ll be here slinging me sludge, yeah.
Speaker:Just sitting around the yard pushing this pooch.
Speaker:Truth is I don't use orange juice.
Speaker:I just tell people that to throw them off the scent, yeah.
Speaker:I found fruit cocktail makes a much better mix, yeah.
Speaker:Them maraschino cherries cook up real nice, perfect like.
Speaker:Practically pop with booze after they've been fermenting for a bit.
Speaker:The only problem is the fumes.
Speaker:They smell right nasty, yeah.
Speaker:That's why I keep the batch in this bucket here.
Speaker:[Narrator] You have pruno in the bucket you're sitting on?
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Yeah that's right, that's right right.
Speaker:Here, you want to try some?
Speaker:[Narrator] I got a DUI about a year ago.
Speaker:I haven't drank or driven since.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Fucking hell, all right mate suit yourself.
Speaker:Fucking DUI, that's good that is.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Welly welly well, if it isn't Lady Chartreuse, our Lady of Chartreuse.
Speaker:You dig yourself out a hole already?
Speaker:[Chartreuse] You know I’m too big for them itsy bitsy cells, girl.
Speaker:They had to bring Chartreuse back to the main line.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Fancy a cocktail?
Speaker:I’m sitting on a new batch.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Oh baby, after a week I’ve had.
Speaker:I sure could use a drink.
Speaker:How much to fill up this tumbler?
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Right, tell you what, how about I give you a cuppa and we call it even.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] No no, Chartreuse don't need charity I’ve got a pillowcase right here
Speaker:and it's full of soups.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Well the thing is I feel a bit bad about what went down.
Speaker:See me and Cuddles was just having a bit of a laugh, you know.
Speaker:We never thought you'd end up in the SHU or whatever.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] I ain't got no beef with you, but if you buying drinks, fill it up bitch.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Yeah yeah, right right, just calm down.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Oh baby yeah, oh baby yeah, pour it in, pour it in.
Speaker:Hey, are those them maraschino cherries?
Speaker:Oh yeah, spoon a couple of them bitches on top.
Speaker:Chartreuse sure do like their maraschino cherries.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Yeah here you go give it a taste.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Damn Menjie, you sure can cook some pruno.
Speaker:You like a goddamn pruno vietnam.
Speaker:I mean other folks make it too tall or too sweet.
Speaker:Minjie got that shit just right, on point.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Yeah well, right then, can't have you drinking alone so best I have a cuppa
Speaker:as well.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Cheers love!
Speaker:To the rap battle.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] I hear that.
Speaker:Tomorrow night it's on.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] I could drink these all day.
Speaker:I mean that's the only part about drinking though, you know.
Speaker:It takes me back.
Speaker:Takes me back to the old motherfuckin' days.
Speaker:I mean this drink right here, shit this reminds me of when we used to go dancing at the Lakewood
Speaker:Civic Center.
Speaker:I used to be dancing all over that motherfucking disco floor.
Speaker:Like walking like an Egyptian, doing the sprinkler, the running man.
Speaker:I mean sometimes I'd get buck wild and do the centipede.
Speaker:You know how to do the centipede?
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Are you talking about the one where you get down on the ground and flop
Speaker:about like a twat?
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Yeah yeah, that's it.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Yeah well, across the pond we call that one the worm.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] The worm?
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Yeah, I mean we invented all sorts of dance moves like that.
Speaker:You know we got the zippy zoo, the cheeky monkey, and of course my fave the ladybird
Speaker:shuffle.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Oh yeah, the ladyboo.
Speaker:I remember that one.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Ladybird.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] The ladyboo shuffle.
Speaker:Yeah my daddy taught me that one back when I was a youngster.
Speaker:We used to listen to the radio a lot because we spent a lot of time in the car.
Speaker:You know what I’m saying.
Speaker:My daddy was like a traveling salesman.
Speaker:So we drove all over the goddamn country.
Speaker:He sold everything from vacuum cleaners to spicy peanut sauce.
Speaker:You know what I’m saying.
Speaker:He was like a real salesman.
Speaker:The best was the summer that he sold popsicles.
Speaker:Oh yes sir.
Speaker:I never forget that summer.
Speaker:I mean I was probably like six seven years old.
my daddy had all the flavors:red, blue, purple.
my daddy had all the flavors:I mean you can't forget about purple.
my daddy had all the flavors:Purple's the jam.
my daddy had all the flavors:Turn your tongue purple as fuck too.
my daddy had all the flavors:And we was always like stopping at a liquor store because he had to get more ice to fill
my daddy had all the flavors:up the coolers in the back of the car, you know.
my daddy had all the flavors:You got to keep them popsicles cold.
my daddy had all the flavors:Can't have them popsicles melting on your ass.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] You need me to freshen up your drink love?
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] Shit girl, I can't say no to a refill.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] Yeah well, this one ain't no freebie, right.
my daddy had all the flavors:You owe me a can of kippers.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] A can of what?
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] Sardines in tomato ketchup.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] Oh shit girl.
my daddy had all the flavors:Yeah I got that, but it's back in my house.
my daddy had all the flavors:So you gonna have to wait till tomorrow.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj Yeah right, well no skin off my teeth.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] Ain't no skin off my titties neither.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] Hey don't be skimping on them cherries, girl.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] Yeah right right.
my daddy had all the flavors:Calm down.
my daddy had all the flavors:Calm down.
my daddy had all the flavors:Yeah that's right.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] Fabulicious!
my daddy had all the flavors:Um Minjie what's with you, girl?
my daddy had all the flavors:You're looking a little, like uh crunchy today.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] Yeah, I’ve been feeling a bit knackered all week.
my daddy had all the flavors:Last couple of days I’ve only gotten a couple of winks.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] Yeah yeah, you know you need to do girl.
my daddy had all the flavors:You need to take some of that melatonin before you go to bed.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] Yeah right.
my daddy had all the flavors:It's not like that.
my daddy had all the flavors:I can fall asleep well enough.
my daddy had all the flavors:It's because uh, well you know I probably shouldn't say.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] Chartreuse can keep things on the dl.
my daddy had all the flavors:Don't you worry about that.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] Right well, the thing is... between you and me...
my daddy had all the flavors:It's Cuddles.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] Shit, I knew there was something shady about that bitch.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] Look uh, you know, I don't want to speak ill of her.
my daddy had all the flavors:I mean, I appreciate all the things she's done for me.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] Well come on girl.
my daddy had all the flavors:Spill the tea.
my daddy had all the flavors:Chartreuse is all ears.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] Well thing is...
my daddy had all the flavors:I think she's trying to kill me.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] Say what?
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] I keep waking up in the middle of the night and there's Cuddles hovering
my daddy had all the flavors:over me with a fucking shank.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] For reals?
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] Yeah it's like she's fucking sleepwalking but with a knife pointed at me throat.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] She don't know that she trying to kill you, is what you trying to say?
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] I mean as far as I can tell no.
my daddy had all the flavors:She's got no idea.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] Damn girl, we gonna need another drink up in here.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] Every time I wake up, I take the shank from her and I toss it in the bin.
my daddy had all the flavors:But the next night she's got a fucking new one.
my daddy had all the flavors:And I’m like bloody hell how many blades does she have hidden in our flat.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] You better move that girl out for one of these mornings you're gonna wake
my daddy had all the flavors:up dead.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] I know right.
my daddy had all the flavors:Fucking hell.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Cuddles] Hey girls.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj Oh Cuddles, that was quick.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Cuddles] Lady Ping Pong just has the best products.
my daddy had all the flavors:My legs are going to be silky smooth.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] What you got there, new razer?
my daddy had all the flavors:[Cuddles] Yep.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] Oh yeah, yeah girl, you gotta have them razors.
my daddy had all the flavors:You know, you can't have them old razors.
my daddy had all the flavors:You need them new razor, like a real sharp one.
my daddy had all the flavors:I mean, them old ones gonna chop up your skin.
my daddy had all the flavors:You know what I’m saying.
my daddy had all the flavors:Got to be new.
my daddy had all the flavors:Got to be new.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj Yeah right that blade's got quite an edge to it as well.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Cuddles] And I got a new toothbrush.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] Look at that.
my daddy had all the flavors:Handle's a bit pointy, no?
my daddy had all the flavors:[Cuddles] Oh I hadn't noticed.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] Yeah to be honest, it kind of looks a bit like somebody sharpened.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Cuddles] You're right.
my daddy had all the flavors:That's so weird.
my daddy had all the flavors:It kinda looks like a shiv.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] Yeah right, you don't say.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] Yeah well, you know, it's always good to have a good toothbrush shiv.
my daddy had all the flavors:You might be brushing your teeth and out of nowhere someone comes up and tries to cut
my daddy had all the flavors:you.
my daddy had all the flavors:You know, steal your shit.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Cuddles] Oh I almost forgot.
my daddy had all the flavors:I also got this new comb.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] Oh yeah yeah girl, you gotta have a comb up in here too.
my daddy had all the flavors:Can't have too many combs.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj You know the uh teeth on that there comb look a little pointy too.
my daddy had all the flavors:Almost like a saw or something.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Cuddles] You don't say.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] Yeah you know, that is true.
my daddy had all the flavors:You could cut a motherfucker good with that shit.
my daddy had all the flavors:I bet that shit cut right through bone.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Cuddles] You know now that you mention it, it does seem a little sharp for a comb.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] Lady Ping Pong got them good products.
my daddy had all the flavors:You know, just last week I bought some pink flamingos off of her.
my daddy had all the flavors:You know they really spice up my cell.
my daddy had all the flavors:Make me feel like I’m in the tropics... tanning my butt cheeks.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Cuddles] She always has what I need.
my daddy had all the flavors:Did I tell you I ordered a fondue set?
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] Cuddles are you fucking serious?
my daddy had all the flavors:Are you mental?
my daddy had all the flavors:Uou've bought a whole bag of shanks and shivs.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Cuddles] You know, I always wanted to ask, is there a difference between a shank and
my daddy had all the flavors:a shiv?
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] Well, I mean, technically the difference would be the blade.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] Cuddles do you think that we could have a wee chat?
my daddy had all the flavors:[Cuddles] Sure babe, what's up?
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] Let's walk over here.
my daddy had all the flavors:Yeah bit more privacy.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Cuddles] Oh, I didn't show you my new brush.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Miss Minj] Yeah yeah, that's great Cuddles.
my daddy had all the flavors:It looks like a fucking mini-machete.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] Oh damn, looks like Minjie left her bucket of booze.
my daddy had all the flavors:She probably won't mind if Chartreuse takes a refill.
my daddy had all the flavors:Oh damn, that shit hits the spot.
my daddy had all the flavors:Hey, you want a taste?
my daddy had all the flavors:[Narrator] No thanks.
my daddy had all the flavors:[Narrator] You know you never finished your story about Franz.
my daddy had all the flavors:Are you two still together?
my daddy had all the flavors:[Chartreuse] Oh you want to know the rest of that story, huh?
my daddy had all the flavors:Well I guess I got enough of a buzz to tell y'all.
my daddy had all the flavors:Truth is I wasn't that into Franz when we first met.
my daddy had all the flavors:But you know, over time he started to grow on me.
my daddy had all the flavors:I mean it might sound strange talking about like a pen pal relationship like it's a real
my daddy had all the flavors:one, but you know we lived together through them letters.
my daddy had all the flavors:That shit was real.
my daddy had all the flavors:I mean he went out and bought two Great Danes.
my daddy had all the flavors:You know them big ass dogs?
my daddy had all the flavors:And he asked me to name them.
my daddy had all the flavors:And I told him, 'Well shit, let's call them Rum and Coke because, you know, that's like
my daddy had all the flavors:the best drink there is.'
my daddy had all the flavors:And they was like our children.
my daddy had all the flavors:Then last spring he asked me to marry him.
my daddy had all the flavors:And I said, 'Shit baby, look I got an appeal coming up.
my daddy had all the flavors:And if that goes good we'll fly to Vegas and we'll get married.'
my daddy had all the flavors:So the day the appeal come, and you know, Franz is sitting there right behind me in
my daddy had all the flavors:court.
my daddy had all the flavors:And I remember he had on this brand new suit with like one of them bolo ties, you know.
my daddy had all the flavors:He always liked everything cowboy.
my daddy had all the flavors:That was like his shit.
my daddy had all the flavors:He was even planning to buy a ranch once we got hitched.
my daddy had all the flavors:So you know.
my daddy had all the flavors:Like a real cowboy.
my daddy had all the flavors:Well you might have guessed that the judgment on my appeal was a big 'no.'
my daddy had all the flavors:They said, 'Chartreuse you best get comfortable girl.
my daddy had all the flavors:You know, stitch another layer on your pillow.
my daddy had all the flavors:Put some flamingos in your goddamn cell.
my daddy had all the flavors:Because you ain't never going home.
my daddy had all the flavors:That night, after the hearing, Franz went home and he shot himself.
my daddy had all the flavors:You know, he picked up his daddy's gun, aimed right between his eyes, and...
my daddy had all the flavors:I mean, he left a note saying, 'He didn't want to live in a world where I was in prison.'
my daddy had all the flavors:And so every time I think about it...
my daddy had all the flavors:A little part of me dies.
my daddy had all the flavors:But shit you know, ain't nothing like a little pruno to make you forget, right.
my daddy had all the flavors:I mean shit, in here you have to forget.
my daddy had all the flavors:Otherwise you're gonna go crazy, crazy as hell.
