Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle - EP#6 - The Crown
Welcome to the sixth and last episode of the first season of the comedy audio-dram, Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle. In this episode the ladies battle it out for the crown.
This is a serialized audio-drama. If this is your first time listening, it's advisable you begin with episode one.
For more information check out our website at deepdrag.com
A full list of music and sample credits can be found here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/57901336
Transcript
[Warden] How long have I been warden this correctional facility?
Speaker:Well, I guess it's been about 22 years now.
Speaker:Uh you know, I got into this field because I wanted to help rehabilitate folks.
Speaker:[Narrator] Is that why you let them do the rap battle?
Speaker:Is it a form of rehabilitation?
Speaker:[Warden] Um, I can't say that I had much to do with their, uh you know, rap night.
Speaker:Uh you know, a couple of years ago a few of them started rapping on the basketball court,
Speaker:uh if you will.
Speaker:And uh after thinking about it, I thought you know well, why not give them a stage to
Speaker:uh really perform.
Speaker:Uh so, this year we went about it a bit differently, and uh we're doing it in the chow hall.
Speaker:And uh you know, we're bringing a little stage from the you know a local school.
Speaker:And uh, they're gonna have access to the, um uh you know uh, public announcement uh
Speaker:pa system if you will.
Speaker:[Narrator] Wow, that's really kind of you, sir.
Speaker:[Warden] Well you know, heck uh, it's one night out of the year, so uh you know, why
Speaker:not let them have a good time.
Speaker:[Narrator] Well I think that's all I need.
Speaker:I guess I’ll get going.
Speaker:[Warden] Yeah can I give you a piece of advice, buddy.
Speaker:[Narrator] Sure.
Speaker:[Warden] Tonight you might want to record from the back of the room.
Speaker:You see, I’m gonna have four COs with mini-16s on the catwalk above you.
Speaker:And uh you know, I wouldn't want you to accidentally get shot, if something goes wrong.
Speaker:[Narrator] You sure that's necessary?
Speaker:[Warden] Well I mean you never know.
Speaker:You know, the rap seems to bring out the devil in these people.
Speaker:So you know, just think about it.
Speaker:[Narrator] In 1998 a radio producer was allowed to record in a Manitoba correctional facility.
Speaker:These are the stories of the women inside.
Speaker:[Song Lyrics] Come on now. That's Right.
Speaker:When I say hard, you say time.
Speaker:Hard! [Crowd] Time
Speaker:When I say Rap, you say Battle.
Speaker:Rap! [Crowd] Battle!
Speaker:That's right sucker.
Speaker:Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Fucking just breathe, just breathe.
Speaker:Oh you fucking cunt!
Speaker:Ah!
Speaker:[Correctional Officer #1] Open up.
Speaker:We got a gurney headed for medical.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Oh for fuck sake, can you watch where you're going, please.
Speaker:Maybe not hit every possible bump in the hospital.
Speaker:Ah!
Speaker:Oh fucking hell.
Speaker:That was on purpose.
Speaker:Now you're just taking the piss.
Speaker:[Correctional Officer #1] Inmate k82294, delivered to medical.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] What?
Speaker:Are you serious?
Speaker:You're just gonna fucking leave me.
Speaker:Where's the doctor, right.
Speaker:Where's the morphine?
Speaker:[Narrator] Is it normal for them to have to call in a doctor?
Speaker:[Miss Minj] What?
Speaker:Yeah mate.
Speaker:Free staff don't usually work in the evenings.
Speaker:So you know, they only come in for emergencies.
Speaker:Ah my leg is just like throbbing, you know.
Speaker:It's just like throbbing with pain.
Speaker:[Narrator] Can you describe what happened?
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Do I look like I want to fucking paint a picture for your audience?
Speaker:I mean there's a fucking toothbrush sticking out my thigh.
Speaker:[Narrator] I didn't have the tape player recording when it happened.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] You didn't have the fucking tape...
Speaker:I don't give a fuck mate, okay.
Speaker:Can you do something useful, please.
Speaker:Like I’m in pain here, you know what I’m saying.
Speaker:Like go take a walk down the hall and see if there's a fucking nurse that can do some
Speaker:first aid before I fucking bleed out.
Speaker:[Narrator] I’ll see what I can do.
Speaker:[Mabel] Now we all know why we came here.
Speaker:So make some noise.
Speaker:[Crowd Cheers]
Speaker:[Mabel] I can't hear you.
Speaker:[Crowd Cheers]
Speaker:[Mabel] That's right, that's right.
Speaker:We got the fourth annual epic rap battle, the main event on main line.
Speaker:Tonight you're gonna hear everything from elementary ear candy to rap phenomenons.
Speaker:The winner will receive three rap grand masters and a packet of Little Debbie Donuts.
Speaker:First up we got Lady Ping Pong versus the Goldtooth Mama.
Speaker:Come on up here.
Speaker:You each get 30 seconds on the mic.
Speaker:Lady Ping Pong, you're up first.
Speaker:[Crowd Cheers]
Speaker:[Chartreuse] That's right girl. You peel it like an orange baby.
Speaker:[Lady Ping Pong] oh yeah motherfucker, I’m going to peel it and steal it so motherfucking hard.
Speaker:[Mabel] Yo Cherokee give me a beat.
Speaker:[Music Begins]
Speaker:[Lady Ping Pong] Oh, I go now? Okay.
Speaker:[Lady Ping Pong Lyrics] Miss Ping Pong like to ride ding dong.
Speaker:Climb Empire State like my name is King Kong.
Speaker:Something that you need?
Speaker:For sure I can get it.
Speaker:Need a hot rhyme?
Speaker:You know I can spit it.
Speaker:Fire out my mouth like a dragon lady.
Speaker:Talk shit behind your back cause you know I’m shady.
Speaker:Drop dollars on your ass like kung fu shit.
Speaker:Beat your ass in the yard with some kung fu shit.
Speaker:[Cuddles] Hiya.
Speaker:[Narrator] Cuddles, what are you doing here?
Speaker:[Cuddles] I just had to make sure Minj was okay.
Speaker:[Narrator] I think this is a restricted area.
Speaker:[Cuddles] I really need to see her.
Speaker:She's gonna hate me if I don't.
Speaker:[Narrator]I don't know.
Speaker:Don't you think you should go back to your cell.
Speaker:[Cuddles] I just need two secs.
Speaker:I promise I won't tell anybody.
Speaker:[Narrator] One minute to say sorry, and then I’m walking you back home.
Speaker:[Cuddles] Anything you say.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Ah well, you took your sweet time getting here.
Speaker:[Cuddles] I’m so sorry babe.
Speaker:I didn't mean to shank you.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Yeah right, whatever.
Speaker:It's all right, love.
Speaker:I mean, the truth is it was fucking stupid of me to take a nappy with you before the
Speaker:rap battle.
Speaker:I don't know what I was thinking.
Speaker:I mean, I should have been getting like proper pumped, you know like.
Speaker:I should have been doing me tae-bo, right.
Speaker:You know that Billy Banks always gets me going.
Speaker:[Cuddles] He gets me pretty pumped too.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] God Cuddles, have some manners.
Speaker:You look like you're about to ovulate all over the floor.
Speaker:My only regret about this whole thing is that I’m not going to be able to win the rap battle.
Speaker:You know, because I was like a shoe-in.
Speaker:Like I’m obviously the best and I’ve spent months working on me lyrics.
Speaker:You know, I’ve got this new song that's like the pinnacle of me rap career and now
Speaker:it's all fucked.
Speaker:[Cuddles] After you get signed by a record company, you won't care about a prison rap battle.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Yeah I mean, I guess.
Speaker:It's just like difficult to stay positive when like none of the labels have responded
Speaker:to me letters.
Speaker:[Cuddles] Babe don't worry.
Speaker:We'll get you signed.
Speaker:Berry said he knows a guy in the entertainment business.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Berry, who the hell is Berry, Cuddles?
Speaker:[Music Begins]
Speaker:[Lady Ping Pong Lyrics] Shower shoes, I got them.
Speaker:Razor blades, I got them.
Speaker:Hand grenades, no problem.
Speaker:Chambermaid, no problem.
Speaker:Running shit like a Home Depot... game so damn big, hoes just don't know.
Speaker:Winning rap battle... with my second language.
Speaker:Leave these round eyed bitches just lying in anguish.
Speaker:Shoot ping pong balls out my pussy.
Speaker:For a dollar you can put it in my tooshy.
Speaker:[Crowd Cheers]
Speaker:[Mabel] Goldtooth Mama come on up here.
Speaker:You get 30 seconds.
Speaker:[Crowd Cheers]
Speaker:[Music Begins]
Speaker:[Goldtooth Mama Lyrics] One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one.
Speaker:One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, zero one, one, zero.
Speaker:One zero.
Speaker:[Crowd Cheers]
Speaker:[Mabel] Damn, Goldtooth Mama, them lyrics is fire.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Oh yeah, that song really moved me.
Speaker:I mean, I got a little teary-eyed in the end.
Speaker:I mean, the way the Goldtooth Mama express being a non-binary locked up inside a binary
Speaker:world, damn, that's some next level shit right there bitch.
Speaker:[Mabel] Sorry Lady Ping Pong, but I think you're out.
Speaker:Goldtooth Mama's going to the next round.
Speaker:Next, we got Chop Suzzy.
Speaker:Come on up here, girl, You get 30 seconds.
Speaker:[Chop Suzzy] Alrighty then, I guess it's my turn to rap.
Speaker:[Mabel] Cherokee, light this place up.
Speaker:[Music Begins]
Speaker:[Chop Suzzy Lyrics] Now I ain't saying nothing about nothing.
Speaker:But back in the day I was rustlin' and hustlin'.
Speaker:Used to be a bar called the Wild Stallion.
Speaker:Friday nights I'd head on down.
Speaker:Perched on the corner slinging my wares.
Speaker:Fella comes up looking for shares.
Speaker:Now I got blow, bennies, and ludes.
Speaker:Take a handful of whatever you choose.
Speaker:Man shook his head side to side.
Speaker:Said he wanted that honey pot.
Speaker:Honey pot, honey pot, he wanted that sweet, sweet, honey pot.
Speaker:Honey pot, honey pot, he wanted that sweet, sweet, honey pot.
Speaker:Well, you all know I don't roll that way.
Speaker:I punched him in the dick and went on my way.
Speaker:Well, you all know I don't roll that way.
Speaker:I punched him in the dick and went on my way.
Speaker:[Crowd Cheers]
Speaker:[Narrator] Cuddles, let's get going.
Speaker:I need to get you back before 10 o'clock count.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Really?
Speaker:You're just gonna leave me here?
Speaker:I’ve heard of people sitting around here for three-four hours before anybody comes
Speaker:to patch them up.
Speaker:[Cuddles] Can't we just stay a little longer?
Speaker:[Narrator] Five minutes and then we're going.
Speaker:[Cuddles] You know Berry once sat in the hospital for a whole week while his mother died.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Here we go.
Speaker:Now you're going on about this Berry bloke again.
Speaker:Oh, ah, oh, fucking hell.
Speaker:Why is this the first time I’m hearing about him?
Speaker:[Cuddles] We need to stay somewhere when we get out.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Oh now we're supposed to live with this guy, right.
Speaker:I mean, I imagine he'll have a cot for me in the garage while you two are off shagging.
Speaker:[Cuddles] He's got a woodshed in the backyard.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Oh oh, a woodshed.
Speaker:Yeah that sounds lovely.
Speaker:Berry sounds like a real lovely bloke, a proper humanitarian, huh.
Speaker:I can't wait to sleep in his woodshed, yeah.
Speaker:Sounds like me dream.
Speaker:Tell me is the woodshed right next to the bins?
Speaker:Will I wake up every morning to the smell of rotten cantaloupe?
Speaker:[Cuddles] I don't know if he eats cantaloupe.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] So I suppose the last three years meant nothing?
Speaker:Just a bit of fun to pass the time.
Speaker:You've just been waiting around for this Berry bloke, ehh?
Speaker:[Cuddles] Berry's a big supporter of polygamous marriages.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] What?
Speaker:Are you fucking serious?
Speaker:You think I’m gonna marry this cunt?
Speaker:You want me to be like his second wife?
Speaker:Am I supposed to be the wife that like sticks me fingers up his ass, while he's giving you
Speaker:the old in-out, in-out?
Speaker:[Cuddles] He was just trying to be nice.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Cuddles, seriously, have you not figured it out yet?
Speaker:I’m a fucking les.
Speaker:I like licking fannies.
Speaker:[Music Begins]
Speaker:[Goldtooth Mama Lyrics] One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one.
Speaker:One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, zero one, one, zero.
Speaker:[Crowd Cheers]
Speaker:One zero.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Damn, the Goldtooth Mama sure does go deep.
Speaker:I mean, it's like a roller coaster listening to that.
Speaker:You never know which direction you going in: up, down, got you spinning round.
Speaker:[Mabel] I’m sorry Chop Suzzy, but I think we gotta give this one to the Goldtooth Mama.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Goldtooth Mama!
Speaker:[Mabel] Next up, we got the queen of rap, the diva of dictation, the Lady Chartreuse.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Chartreuse in the house!
Speaker:[Mabel] Come on up here and give us a little taste.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Hey Cherokee, drop that beat bitch.
Speaker:[Music Begins]
Speaker:[Chartreuse Lyrics] Yeah what up bitches.
Speaker:Chartreuse in the motherfuckin' house.
Speaker:Mama Truce.
Speaker:Yo, this one goes out to the 95-96 LA Lakers.
Speaker:Uh uh, here we go, what.
Speaker:Nick the quick with a handle so sick... like to get him on my court and enjoy that stick.
Speaker:Shooting three so deep boy got me on my feet... in the purple and gold boy looking so sweet.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Ugh, ah, fucking hell.
Speaker:Cuddles could you have put this thing in any deeper?
Speaker:[Cuddles] I didn't do it on purpose.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Ugh, Ah!
Speaker:Fucking hell, it hurts!
Speaker:Can you go over there to that cabinet and see if there's any antiseptic or like bandages
Speaker:or something?
Speaker:[Cuddles] Sure thing.
Speaker:[Narrator] I’m not sure what you're planning, but I think I could get in a lot of trouble
Speaker:for this.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Ah! Ain't it fucking obvious, mate?
Speaker:Cuddles is gonna do me surgery.
Speaker:[Cuddles] I found a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and some gauze.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Well that's it then.
Speaker:Pull this thing out of me.
Speaker:[Narrator] Shouldn't we wait for a doctor?
Speaker:[Miss Minj] I might be fucking dead by the time that geezer gets here.
Speaker:Come on Cuddles, get it over.
Speaker:[Cuddles] Okay, I’m gonna pull it out as fast as I can.
Speaker:Count of three.
Speaker:One, Two...
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Ah!
Speaker:Ah!
Speaker:Oh Cuddles, that was the count of fucking two.
Speaker:Who does it on the count of fucking two?
Speaker:[Music begins]
Speaker:[Chartreuse Lyrics] Uh, uh, What!
Speaker:Yeah!
Speaker:Eddie Jones giving me a basketball jones... like to get that uniform off and measure them
Speaker:bones.
Speaker:Silky smooth with a finger roll... send chills down my spine, make me lose control.
Speaker:Cerdric Ceballos got me feeling lawless...
Speaker:I'm straight rolling on the floor like a stripper for them Dollas.
Speaker:360 dunk make me feel that funk... see you in the parking lot show you the junk in my
Speaker:trunk.
Speaker:What! Um!
Speaker:[Crowd Cheers]
Speaker:[Mabel] Goldtooth Mama, you get 30 seconds.
Speaker:[Music Begins]
Speaker:[Goldtooth Mama Lyrics] One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one.
Speaker:One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one...
Speaker:[Crowd Boos]
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Come on Goldtooth.
Speaker:If you didn't have a third song, you should have said so.
Speaker:I mean, them lyrics is dope, but ain't nobody wanna hear the same song twice.
Speaker:[Mabel] I have to agree.
Speaker:I think this round goes to Chartreuse.
Speaker:[Crowd Cheers]
Speaker:Looks like we've come to the moment we've all been waiting for.
Speaker:Miss Minj get your ass up here.
Speaker:[Lady Ping Pong] Minjie no here.
Speaker:Cuddles shank her with motherfucking toothbrush.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] For reals?
Speaker:Minjie's stuck up in medical?
Speaker:[Lady Ping Pong] Oh Cuddles shank her good.
Speaker:Skewer her like cobra in rice paddy.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Well shit, I guess that means I win by forfeit.
Speaker:I mean it don't seem right, but what else we gonna do?
Speaker:Hey Cherokee, spin some music while they put this here crown on me.
Speaker:[Mabel] And the winner of this year's, epic... rap... battle...
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Oye!
Speaker:Oye mate!
Speaker:The rap battle ain't over yet, yeah.
Speaker:I’m here to take you down a tier.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Damn Minj, you came to the rap battle on crutch sticks
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Yeah, that's right.
Speaker:I’m not gonna let you cheat your way to victory.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] I’m ready to get down and dirty with your ass.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Fine by me.
Speaker:[Mabel] Chartreuse won the last round.
Speaker:So she's got the first 30 seconds.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Hey Cherokee, hook a sister up.
Speaker:[Music Begins
Speaker:[Chartreuse Lyrics] Big Mama Truce, there ain't no other.
Speaker:Making pruno on the block since your mom's gam-mother.
Speaker:Getting tuna all day.
Speaker:Up in the cell block, if you ain't with that then go suck a fat cock.
Speaker:This skinny ass bitch thinks her rhymes is top dollar but Truce brush you off like dirt on a collar.
Speaker:Hip-hop-ola since before I’ve been locked up with rhymes so blessed straight get you fucked up.
Speaker:Better ask somebody how I flip the script.
Speaker:Come down to the block and that ass will get flipped.
Speaker:Get that bass oh negro.
Speaker:Then I treat you like a pego.
Speaker:Ask me if I paid the bill, bitch please hell no.
Speaker:Chartreuse's a big girl, so you know I came to eat.
Speaker:Now show some damn respect, and get your ass out my seat.
Speaker:[Crowd Cheers]
Speaker:Give me that crown, bitch!
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Oye Chartreuse!
Speaker:1982 called. They want their lyrics back.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Girl shit, I just break shit off and serve it like a dish.
Speaker:[Crowd] Oooh.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Well, I guess the crowd will decide.
Speaker:Here's me new single.
Speaker:Cherokee drop the beat.
Speaker:[Music Begins]
Speaker:[Miss Minj Lyrics] Yeah that's right it's Minj.
Speaker:MC Minjie Minj.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Let's jam it.
Speaker:The action, be jam packed like a closet.
Speaker:Beats to make you get up and flow like a faucet.
Speaker:Not meant to make you sit.
Speaker:Not meant to make you jump.
Speaker:But meant to make you get up and shake your rump.
Speaker:Me like the way you comb your hair.
Speaker:Me like the stylish clothes you wear.
Speaker:It's just the little things you do, that makes me wanna get with you.
Speaker:Minj.
Speaker:Minjie, Minj, Minj, Minj.
Speaker:Minj.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Oh hell no bitch!
Speaker:You stole them lyrics.
Speaker:That's shit's on the radio motherfucker.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] What you talking about Chartreuse?
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Yeah I heard them goddamn...
Speaker:That's Rumpshaker bitch.
Speaker:You can't be using that.
Speaker:Hell no.
Speaker:You out the competition girl.
Speaker:Fuck that.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] What you saying somebody stole me song and got a record deal with it?
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Shit girl, what I’m saying is that's against the motherfucking rules.
Speaker:[Crowd Cheers]
Speaker:[Mabel] The people have spoken.
Speaker:This year's winner of the rap battle is Chartreuse.
Speaker:[Crowd Cheers]
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Are you fucking serious?
Speaker:I’m up here rapping on crutches and you're giving her the crown?
[Music:Pomp and Circumstance]
[Music:[Chartreuse] Oh lordy, I’ve been waiting all year for this moment.
[Music:You know I’d like to thank all the folks that made this happen.
[Music:And of course, I gotta thank my girl Cherokee up there spinning them ones and twos.
[Music:You know she got them skills on those Technics.
[Music:And uh let's see here.
[Music:Um, I gotta thank all the girls on my basketball team.
[Music:You know they been showing me support for all these years.
[Music:I have to thank Lady Ping Pong.
[Music:You know Lady Ping Pong been hooking it up...
[Music:[Gun Tower] Night yard is terminated.
[Music:Return to your housing units.
[Music:[Chartreuse] ...Oh, oh damn, that's like the orchestra music sending me off.
[Music:All right. Well, I guess we'll see y'all next year, then.
[Music:[Chartreuse] Hey Miss Minj, where you going?
[Music:[Miss Minj] Where you think?
[Music:Back to our shithole of a flat in A-block.
[Music:[Chartreuse] Nah girl, you coming with me to the E-building.
[Music:Chartreuse did your paperwork last night.
[Music:Got you a luxury suite.
[Music:[Miss Minj] You fucking serious?
[Music:[Chartreuse] Hey, I don't clown when it comes to my houses.
[Music:[Miss Minj] Well fucking hell Chartreuse.
[Music:I don't know what to say.
[Music:That's uh that's proper decent of you.
[Music:[Chartreuse] You can say, 'Chartreuse I’m bringing you my rent money tomorrow,' and
[Music:by the way I’m only charging you two soups a month so you better not fuck with me girl.
[Music:[Miss Minj] All right, all right, fair enough, fair enough.
[Music:So I don't suppose I could keep me Sony Walkman Cassette Tape Player then, eh?
[Music:[Chartreuse] Bitch don't talk crazy.
[Music:I’m turning that shit into a tattoo gun.
[Music:[Miss Minj] Yeah right, figured as much.
[Music:[Miss Minj] Well that rap battle's got me starved.
[Music:[Cuddles] You know Berry sent me a poutine recipe.
[Music:[Chartreuse] Oh child, I love me some poutine.
[Music:Does Berry make it with curry?
[Music:You know you gotta throw little curry spice in that motherfuckin' gravy.
[Music:[Miss Minj] oh for fuck sake.
[Music:[End Music]
