Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle - EP#4 - Chop Suzzy
Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle is a serialized, comedy, audio drama. Listen to the stories of four ladies who started a rap battle in a Manitoba correctional facility during the 90s. In this episode Chop Suzzy gives Miss Minj a tattoo while Chartreuse meets up with Mabel and Lady Ping Pong.
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Transcript
In 1998, a radio producer was allowed to record in a Manitoba correctional facility.
Narrator:These are the stories of the women inside.
Narrator:[Song Lyrics] Come on now! That's right!
Narrator:When I say hard you say time. Hard!
Narrator:[Chorus] Time! When I say rap you say battle.
Narrator:Rap! [Chorus] Battle!
Narrator:That's right suckers! Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle!
Miss Minj:Come on, Come on! Get in mate.
Miss Minj:Correctional Officer: Rolling back the bars.
Miss Minj:I just stand there for a sec.
Miss Minj:Yeah.
Miss Minj:Keep a lookout will ya.
Miss Minj:Is it clear?
Narrator:It looks that way.
Miss Minj:Right, right, right.
Miss Minj:Come on out then.
Chop Suzzy:Sure is, hot under your bed.
Miss Minj:Let me introduce you to Chop Suzzy.
Miss Minj:She does the best ink in the yard.
Chop Suzzy:Now I said, I draw on you today.
Chop Suzzy:I never said nothing about giving one to this guy.
Miss Minj:Take it easy.
Miss Minj:This is the documentarian I was telling you about.
Chop Suzzy:We agreed on one tattoo.
Chop Suzzy:I never said I do a second.
Miss Minj:Stop acting like a cheeky sod.
Miss Minj:We've only got one hour.
Chop Suzzy:All right then, roll up your trousers.
Chop Suzzy:You want it right here on your ankle?
Miss Minj:Yeah.
Miss Minj:That's the spot.
Chop Suzzy:That's going to hurt like the dickens.
Miss Minj:Yeah, don't worry.
Miss Minj:It's not my first time round.
Miss Minj:I've got all sorts of tats.
Miss Minj:Yeah, this one here on me shoulder that's me boa, constrictor, Frank, God rest him.
Miss Minj:Yeah, and this one over here on me arm, that's a lyric to an LL Cool J song.
Miss Minj:Cause you know, the lyrics changed my life.
Chop Suzzy:Whatever you say, you ready?
Miss Minj:Yeah, let's get it going.
Miss Minj:Oh, for fuck sake.
Miss Minj:Don't start there.
Miss Minj:That's the middle of me fucking
Miss Minj:ankle.
Miss Minj:Start a bit higher.
Chop Suzzy:Sorry.
Chop Suzzy:I figured you'd want to get the worst over from, to get go.
Miss Minj:No, no, I don't want to do that.
Miss Minj:I want to work up to it.
Miss Minj:You know what I'm saying?
Miss Minj:Like give me a
Miss Minj:chance to get used to the needle.
Chop Suzzy:Sure thing.
Miss Minj:Fuckin' hell.
Miss Minj:I don't know what Suzzy's thinking.
Miss Minj:Who starts on the fucking bone?
Miss Minj:No one.
Miss Minj:I haven't gotten a tattoo in two years, you know.
Miss Minj:Give me a chance to like, uh, climatize myself or whatever.
Narrator:What's the tattoo going to be?
Miss Minj:Well, you know, it's like kind of a secret, uh, you know,
Miss Minj:it was a bit of luck, a surprise.
Chop Suzzy:It's a Care Bear.
Miss Minj:Suzzy!
Miss Minj:What the hell?
Miss Minj:That's my tattoo, isn't it?
Miss Minj:Yeah.
Miss Minj:I should be able to tell the man what my tattoo is.
Miss Minj:Anyways, Cuddles birthday's coming up this weekend and the tattoo
Miss Minj:is like a present, you know.
Miss Minj:It's going to be like a teddy bear with like Cuddles name written on top.
Chop Suzzy:It's going to look really cute.
Miss Minj:Cute.
Miss Minj:Nah, mate Cuddles' name is going to be written in like old English.
Miss Minj:Not proper gangster.
Chop Suzzy:You never said nothing about no old English.
Miss Minj:Well course I said something about old English.
Miss Minj:All gangster text is written in old English.
Miss Minj:You don't see like, uh, a 'West Side' tattoo in like Comic Sans, right?
Miss Minj:You're not going to write 'Thug Life' in Times New Roman.
Chop Suzzy:We can do it, but it's going to be a little extra.
Miss Minj:What?
Miss Minj:You shaking me in the middle of a tattoo session?
Chop Suzzy:I'm just saying Times New Roman is pretty gangster in my book.
Miss Minj:Right whatever, just hurry up.
Miss Minj:I need you out by a two o'clock yard.
Chop Suzzy:Suite yourself.
Narrator:So you have a relationship with Cuddles?
Miss Minj:What you saying?
Miss Minj:Just because I'm giving somebody a present for their birthday suddenly I'm a les?
Miss Minj:Like If you had a friend named Danny and you gave him a watch,
Miss Minj:I'm not going to go around saying, 'oh, he's given us old, Danny boy
Miss Minj:and the rusty wheel wagon,' right.
Miss Minj:I'm not going to go telling everybody that you're licking Danny
Miss Minj:boy's old balloon knot, right.
Miss Minj:But I guess in the world we live in friends aren't allowed to give a
Miss Minj:present on somebody's birthday anymore.
Chop Suzzy:I think what she's trying to relate to you is Minj is straight,
Chop Suzzy:I'm straight, Cuddles is straight.
Chop Suzzy:But some of us don't mind a little company at night, as long as the ladies
Chop Suzzy:on the yard, don't know about it.
Chop Suzzy:Minj been down for seven years and she still got eight to go so
Chop Suzzy:why not move a little hottie in the cell and see where it goes.
Chop Suzzy:Oi!
Chop Suzzy:Suzzy!
Miss Minj:What I just say?
Miss Minj:Start with a letter and at the top, you know.
Miss Minj:Give me a chance to climatize.
Chartreuse:I've got a case against the CSC in the works.
Chartreuse:Me and some other folks is suing the prison for the right to have
Chartreuse:emotional support animals in here.
Narrator:Like a service dog?
Chartreuse:Yeah, just like that.
Chartreuse:You know, I mean, blind people need, they seeing-eye dogs.
Chartreuse:You ain't going to tell them they can't have that.
Chartreuse:But you know, other folks is dealing with anxiety and depressions.
Chartreuse:Those people need a little love too.
Chartreuse:If I was in here with my cat, Bear-Bear, I never want to leave.
Mabel:Chartreuse, hey girl, you in there?
Chartreuse:Oh shit, that you Mable?
Chartreuse:You talking through the vent?
Mabel:You best believe it's me.
Chartreuse:Hey, did you get the kite I sent you?
Mabel:Girl, I got your message.
Music:Shouldn't you be a medical?
Mabel:When you fake a heart attack and they figure it out.
Mabel:Yeah, they send you here.
Chartreuse:Oh yeah, you know, that's true.
Chartreuse:Shit, well good looking out girl.
Chartreuse:You hooked a sister up.
Mabel:I don't know about all of that?
Mabel:I'm just trying to get paid.
Chartreuse:Bitch, I told you I'd make it worth your while.
Mabel:I'm just saying I could be lying on my rack watching Dawson's
Mabel:Creek, but instead I'm stuck in here eating bologna sandwiches.
Lady Ping Pong:Oh hey ladies, welcome to the SHU.
Mabel:Who dat?
Lady Ping Pong:Oh it's me, Lady Ping Pong, from the E-block.
Chartreuse:This ain't no party line.
Chartreuse:Go find yourself another vent.
Lady Ping Pong:Oh, okay.
Lady Ping Pong:Well, I guess you bitches don't want any of my product.
Lady Ping Pong:I got them mother fucking soap motherfucking pomade,
Lady Ping Pong:and motherfucking shower shoe.
Chartreuse:Oh damn, you got them shower shoes, girl?
Chartreuse:Sure would be nice to have a pair of shower shoes up here?
Lady Ping Pong:Yeah, you can't be too careful.
Lady Ping Pong:You never know what living in them shower tile.
Mabel:I don't care about no shower shoes.
Mabel:Haven't you been listening?
Mabel:I'm trying to get it my money.
Chartreuse:Come on, Mabel.
Chartreuse:We'll talk later about your goddamn money.
Chartreuse:I need to do some business with Miss Ping Pong here about them shower shoes.
Chop Suzzy:Yeah, kick rocks Mabel.
Chop Suzzy:This line is tied up for business.
Miss Minj:So after Mabel's heart attack, we decided to postpone
Miss Minj:the rap battle till Friday.
Miss Minj:So, you know, tomorrow night we'll do it.
Miss Minj:And you know, really, if I think about it, the truth is I don't
Miss Minj:want to win from a forfeit.
Miss Minj:I've got mad skills.
Miss Minj:So, I want to be able to look Chartreuse right in a peepers when I win and
Miss Minj:say, 'Who's the rap grand master now?'
Miss Minj:Oye mate, hey, you're right on me nerve.
Miss Minj:Take it easy.
Chop Suzzy:This next part's going to hurt.
Chop Suzzy:Probably better if you don't look.
Miss Minj:Whatever.
Miss Minj:Ask me another question to get me mind off the pain.
Narrator:Okay, uh, can you, can you talk a little about
Narrator:how Cuddles ended up in prison?
Miss Minj:Uh, right, you want to know about that, but you know, frankly,
Miss Minj:you know, it's not for me to say.
Miss Minj:Like I told you before I respect other people's privacy.
Chop Suzzy:Wasn't she part of some cult.
Miss Minj:Suzzy, mind your manners, eh.
Miss Minj:It's not for us to say.
Chop Suzzy:Some cult up in Vancouver, if I'm remembering correct.
Chop Suzzy:Didn't they cut off some guy's penis?
Miss Minj:Oh fucking hell Suzzy.
Miss Minj:You're unbelievable, you know that.
Miss Minj:That's not even how it goes.
Miss Minj:Now I've got to tell him about it to set the record straight.
Miss Minj:Uh, So it wasn't a cult.
Miss Minj:It was like, um, one of the new age type of religion, you know.
Miss Minj:I believe they called it the Mother Cell.
Miss Minj:Right, so they had some sort of like organic farm, like co-op out in the sticks
Miss Minj:with a bunch of them like colorful Tibetan prayer flags hanging from everywhere.
Miss Minj:I think it was all a bunch of birds out there in that farm.
Miss Minj:And, you know, they get their jollies from like frolicking about naked
Miss Minj:in the moonlight and what have you.
Miss Minj:So, you know, the summer solstice, comes round and for folks like
Miss Minj:Cuddles in them, that's like their Christmas Eve or whatever.
Miss Minj:So, you know, you've got to get proper pissed.
Miss Minj:You can't do Christmas Eve without getting minced, right?
Miss Minj:So Cuddles jumps in a pickup truck.
Miss Minj:Heads down to the bottle shop.
Miss Minj:She picks up a bottle of vodka, couple of jugs of pineapple juice as you do.
Miss Minj:And as she's driving back through the dark she spots a hitchhiker
Miss Minj:on the side of the road.
Miss Minj:You know, imagine some geezer standing with his thumb
Miss Minj:out the middle of the night.
Miss Minj:Yeah, well, that's.
Miss Minj:She pulls over and asks him , you know, 'Where you're going?' And
Miss Minj:he's like, 'Oh yeah, broken down.
Miss Minj:Need to use the phone.' And she says like, 'Well, you know, I haven't a
Miss Minj:bit of a party why don't you come out to the farm?' Anyways, they get
Miss Minj:back to the farm and it turns out this guy was like, real wank job.
Miss Minj:Before long he's walking around the party, chugging straight
Miss Minj:from the bottle, spilling all over himself, like a real slob.
Miss Minj:So when they get ready to do like that pagan Christmas chant or whatever, he's
Miss Minj:like, 'Hey, I got a ritual for you.
Miss Minj:Why don't one of you birds come over here and suck on me knob?' Course like,
Miss Minj:I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea.
Miss Minj:Well, you know, there's not much they can do, but ignore the bloke.
Miss Minj:So there's a, a little meadow next to the house.
Miss Minj:So they go down there, they sit in a circle, they started like a meditation.
Miss Minj:Cuddles, just telling them like, 'Oh, breath in and give thanks to the
Miss Minj:Mother Cell or, you know, whatever.
Miss Minj:But it's difficult to do.
Miss Minj:Cause they can hear the hitchhiker bloke inside and he's swearing
Miss Minj:up and down like, 'I'm going to fuck every last one of you cunts.'
Miss Minj:And you know, I can't say what he meant by that.
Miss Minj:But to me it sounds a bit rapey.
Miss Minj:You know what I'm saying?
Miss Minj:Luckily, the guy's so trollied, he couldn't even figure out
Miss Minj:how to open the front door.
Miss Minj:Right so, you know, they keep praying outside and Cuddles tells them to listen
Miss Minj:to their hearts and that the Mother Cell will provide and all that shit.
Miss Minj:And right as she's saying that the house bursts into fucking flames.
Miss Minj:Can you believe it?
Miss Minj:Like one moment it's just fine and the next it's like burning so hot that they
Miss Minj:can't even stand next to it, right.
Miss Minj:So Cuddles thinks, like this is her theory, that the hitchhiker bloke was like
Miss Minj:trying to make a frozen pizza or whatever.
Miss Minj:And you know, to me that makes sense because when I'm pissed I always
Miss Minj:wanted to dance to the chippy.
Miss Minj:So, you know, like there's one part to the story that always seems a bit odd to me.
Miss Minj:Like the coroner said that his willy wasn't attached to his body
Miss Minj:when they pulled him from the ashes.
Chop Suzzy:You don't find that last part a bit irregular?
Chop Suzzy:I mean, penises don't usually just wander off.
Miss Minj:Oh fucking hell Suzzy.
Miss Minj:That's lovely.
Chop Suzzy:There you go.
Chop Suzzy:I put some gauze on your ankle to stop the bleeding.
Chop Suzzy:Well, it sounds like that's two o'clock yard.
Chop Suzzy:I should probably head out.
Miss Minj:Yeah right, thanks Suzzy.
Miss Minj:You know, that was top, real professional like.
Miss Minj:Cheers.
Chop Suzzy:Hey Cuddles.
Chop Suzzy:Good to see ya.
Cuddles:Hey Suzzy.
Miss Minj:Oh yeah, you're back from work already, then?
Cuddles:They let us go early.
Miss Minj:Well, you're probably wondering what Chop Suzzy's doing in our flat.
Cuddles:Not really.
Miss Minj:Yeah right, well fine.
Miss Minj:I was going to wait until your birthday.
Miss Minj:But seeing as you already figured it out, I'll just show it to you now.
Cuddles:Okay.
Miss Minj:Keep in mind like, it's still a bit raw.
Miss Minj:But, you know, have a gander.
Cuddles:Who is Tuddles?
Miss Minj:Fucking hell.
