Episode 3

full
Published on:

6th Dec 2021

Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle - EP#3 - Milk Ringleader

Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle is a serialized, comedy, audio drama. Listen to the stories of four ladies who started a rap battle in a Manitoba correctional facility during the 90s. In this episode Chartreuse introduces the Goldtooth Mamma and tells the story of how she ended up in the clink.

For more information check out our website at deepdrag.com

A full list of music and sample credits can be found here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/57901336

Transcript
Speaker:

[Narrator] In 1998, a radio producer was allowed to record in a Manitoba correctional facility.

Speaker:

These are the stories of the women inside.

Speaker:

[Song Lyrics] Come on now! That's right!

Speaker:

When I say hard you say time. Hard!

Speaker:

[Chorus] Time! When I say rap you say battle.

Speaker:

Rap! [Chorus] Battle!

Speaker:

That's right suckers! Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle!

Speaker:

[Chartreuse] I mean the worst part about being in the SHU is I ain't got my jams. I don't

Speaker:

give a shit about no TV, but my music that's what keeps me going. I got all them tapes

Speaker:

like Keith Sweat that's my boy right there. I like putting him on in the evening when

Speaker:

the cell blocks all dark and you know I need a little me time. You know what I’m saying.

Speaker:

Then in the mornings I like to listen to Alanis Morissette. You know, give me that energy

Speaker:

to get through today. Oh and then when I just like want to relax and chill out. That's when

Speaker:

I put on Enya. That bitch got a voice make you feeling like you flying over the ocean

Speaker:

or something like that. Magical. [Narrator] Do you listen to any new music?

Speaker:

[Chartreuse] Don't judge. All them singers was new when I got locked up. I mean see that's

Speaker:

the thing about doing time, right. When you get in here it's like everything stops, you

Speaker:

know. Whatever you was watching or listening to when you got locked up man that shits just

Speaker:

locked in place. The world keeps spinning, but you just stuck in the motherfucking past.

Speaker:

[Chartreuse] I mean the other day you asked me about if I was worried about going crazy

Speaker:

or something like that. I mean the truth is that you know most lifers in here after they've

Speaker:

been locked up for like 10-20 years. Man them motherfuckers go crazy. I mean that's why that D-block

Speaker:

got them motherfuckin' wooden doors on their houses. It's not because they want to give folks privacy.

Speaker:

It's because they want to be able to shut the door when you start screaming and hollering

Speaker:

about some bullshit. That's what happened to the Goldtooth Mama. You know me and Goldtooth

Speaker:

go way back. Shit that bitch the only real gangster up in this mothefucker. You know the RBC,

Speaker:

Royal Bank of Canada? Well one morning they straight marched in that motherfucker and took all

Speaker:

them loonies. [Narrator] Loonies?

Speaker:

[Chartreuse] Yeah, loonies is how you say money in Canada, man. Come on. So everybody

Speaker:

knows that the trick to like pulling off a robbery is you gotta sit on the cash for a

Speaker:

while, man. You know, you can't go out buying yourself a Cadillac or whatever. But uh the

Speaker:

thing is the Mama couldn't be doing that. Because you see, Goldtooth loved them chains.

Speaker:

Love to have that ice. You know one day I asked, 'Why didn't you just rob a jewelry

Speaker:

store?' You know what the Mama says? 'Chartreuse, it ain't about having the bling. It's about

Speaker:

being able to walk into the jewelry store, throw that cash down on the counter, and look

Speaker:

at that little motherfucking man in his face, and being like, 'Give me the Cartier bitch.' So

Speaker:

you know, by the time I got here like Goldtooth Mama had the whole yard stitched up. They

Speaker:

was straight running the D-block. You know what I’m saying? Everybody had to pay tribute

Speaker:

and all that. But then a couple of years ago all that changed. Goldtooth stopped leaving

Speaker:

the cell, stopped taking showers. And I was like damn. I mean sometimes when I'd go

Speaker:

past Goldtooth's cell I could hear like mumbling like they was talking to themselves. You know

Speaker:

what I’m saying? I guess what had happened was that all the gold teeth in Goldtooth Mama's

Speaker:

mouth was picking up like government radio signals and shit. I mean imagine that man.

Speaker:

You got like messages coming through your mouth. You know, through your teeth. So Mama

Speaker:

was convinced that the government was controlling the whole population through binary code,

Speaker:

You know, straight up controlling folks. I mean imagine that shit for a minute. That's

Speaker:

crazy as hell. But you know that's one of the reasons I started a rap battle. I knew

Speaker:

the only way to stop people from going cray-cray up in this bitch and get back into the world

Speaker:

was to give them a way to communicate.

Speaker:

[Miss Minj] Did I have anything to do with Chartreuse ending up in the shoe? Uh short

Speaker:

answer, 'no.' Yeah, look it's not my fault that she wandered into the wrong loo. I mean

Speaker:

if you think about it it really comes down to like respecting one's education. She's

Speaker:

been down for seven years. Has she taken a class? Has she tried to better herself? No.

Speaker:

Right, two years I’m in here, right. I’ve got me college, yeah. But Chartreuse, you

Speaker:

know she can't be bothered, right. Don't want to educate herself. Why not? Well, I don't

Speaker:

know. But I think she could stand to do a little bit learning.

Speaker:

[Miss Minj] Hey Cuddles, do you mind? I’m trying to do the interview.

Speaker:

[Cuddles] I’m just getting things ready so we can move into the D-building tomorrow.

Speaker:

[Miss Minj] If anyone did chartreuse wrong it was Cuddles. She spent the last year growing

Speaker:

those chilies in the greenhouse behind the kitchen. So everyone likes to act like oh

Speaker:

yeah she's so sweet or whatever. But you know, the truth is Cuddles is methodical, right.

Speaker:

She's been planning on how to steal that flat for months.

Speaker:

[Cuddles] All I did was ask the staff if we could grow chili's in the nursery.

Speaker:

[Miss Minj] Yeah right. No, I think you did a lot more than that love. Yeah and when she

Speaker:

says staff she means old Mitchell who works in janitorial. Yeah she went to go see him,

Speaker:

but you know first she had to tighten up her t-shirt so her tatas were level with his mug.

Speaker:

You know, hoisted her naughty pillows high enough to take out an eye. When she strutted

Speaker:

in, the man was doomed. He just started blustering like, 'Cuddles yeah anything for you love.

Speaker:

Sure Cuddles, no problem. Would you like to stick something up me ass? Yeah no problem here.'

Speaker:

Next thing you know, he's smuggling all kinds of peppers in. Anything you can think of,

yeah:

scotch bonnets, jalapenos, sriracha. You name it, he smuggled it.

yeah:

[Cuddles] That's funny. Sriracha’s actually a type of chili sauce.

yeah:

[Miss Minj] Yeah, right, well of course you're gonna make light of it, yeah. But don't be lured into her web, mate.

yeah:

Let me tell you she's diabolical, yeah. She'll flirt with you one day and then go straight

yeah:

to Kevin in janitorial the next. Chatting him up. 'Oh yeah yeah Kevin. What can I do

yeah:

for you? What can you do for me, Kevin? That's the real question.

yeah:

[Cuddles] His name is Trevor. [Miss Minj] Kevin, Mitchell, Trevor. It's

yeah:

difficult to keep up when there's so many. [Cuddles] Babe, I was just talking with them

yeah:

to get you things. You didn't mind when I got you that bathrobe.

yeah:

[Miss Minj] Yeah bathrobe was nice. Had Hilton stitched out on it so you know it's fancy.

yeah:

[Cuddles] See now she doesn't mind. [Miss Minj] That's one for the jugular because

yeah:

she knows she knows how I love me baths, you know. If I could get one thing here, it'd

yeah:

be a good long soak, yeah. Like a little splishy splashy, yeah. That's all I’m asking for.

yeah:

But you know, the reality is a lukewarm shower with a bunch of birds standing around.

yeah:

Fucking hell.

yeah:

[Chartreuse] How long will I be in the SHU? That all depends. Right now they're deciding

yeah:

if they want to bring me up on charges, but I mean, they probably haven't peeped my paperwork.

yeah:

When they see that I’m a lifer, I mean they ain't gonna take me to court and waste all

yeah:

that time. I mean once they see that shit, I’ll be back in the yard in two days.

yeah:

[Chartreuse] Shit I’ll probably be stuck eating these bologna sandwiches for another

yeah:

day or two. I mean the worst part is that the only thing that they give you to drink

yeah:

is a carton of milk. I mean come on man, that's inhumane. Have you read this carton? Look.

yeah:

This has been pasteurized, homogenized, and who knows how they make it two percent.

yeah:

How you gonna make it two percent? I mean it's like they they uh hook the milk up to this

yeah:

machine and suck the soul out, you know. I’m like a a political prisoner up in here.

yeah:

I led the fight against the industrial lactose complex, man.

yeah:

[Narrator] I thought you were in here for kidnapping.

yeah:

[Chartreuse] Nah man, I didn't do anything like that. You're reading my paperwork wrong.

yeah:

Now I’m gonna let you know. I’m gonna set the record straight. Right, so I used

yeah:

to be an au pair. You know like that's a fancy French word for uh babysitter. And so as I’m

yeah:

watching these kids and they're crying all of a sudden my titties start leaking.

yeah:

Every time I hear the sound of the crying baby my titties just start juicing, you know what

yeah:

I’m saying. So I go to the hospital, right, and I say to the doctor, 'Hey my breasts is

yeah:

like leaking this breast milks.' And the doctor's like, 'Well, basically you need to pump.'

yeah:

And I’m like, 'Pump? What you talking about? Like you ain't got no medicine or no surgery

yeah:

you can do to fix my titties?' And he's like, 'Nope.' So anyways, I go I get a pump and

yeah:

I’m in the park one day and the kids is crying on the playground and sure enough my

yeah:

titties start juicing. So I get my pump out, right. And I’m sitting there on a park bench

yeah:

just juicing my titties. And this muscle man comes up like a real muscly muscle man. And

yeah:

he's like, 'Hey girl!' And I’m like, 'Why are you trying to holler at me? Can't you

yeah:

see I’m pumping my titties?' And he's like, 'You know breast milk is good for weight lifters.

yeah:

You know, it's like a natural uh like supplement. And I’m like, 'Quit looking at me pumping

yeah:

my titties you pervert muscle man.' And he's like, 'I’ll give you twenty dollars for

yeah:

the bottle.' And I’m like, 'Shit, all right then.' So I start to thinking well if I could

yeah:

get some other bitches to make some titty milk then we could really make some money,

yeah:

you know what I’m saying. So one day I go down to like a soccer practice at the school

yeah:

and there's all these soccer moms around there. And I’m like, 'Hey, I bet you want to make

yeah:

some extra money. Why don't you pump your breast milks and I'll give you ten dollars

yeah:

a bottle.' I mean at first you know they thought I was crazy. But then you know, they see that

yeah:

I’m paying for that breast milk and so they start pumping for me, right. Let me tell you

yeah:

something. We was offering different kinds of flavors too, you know. We had like uh French

yeah:

Canadian breast milk, you know, for them fancy folks. We had the Saskatchewan breast milks,

yeah:

you know for the ones that want that thick cream head on top. It's real nice if you want

yeah:

to put it in your coffee or your smoothie. We had that punjab breast milk that's got

yeah:

that spicy curry flavor. You know what I’m saying. You add it to a soup and it just make

yeah:

that shit live, girl. So we was doing real nice, you know what I’m saying. But the

yeah:

problem is that once you start making money and you successful all of a sudden they start

yeah:

coming for your ass. You know what I’m saying. So the government set up like wiretaps and

yeah:

all that shit and they put one bitch into the circle that was like a spy. You know what

yeah:

I’m saying. She was collecting information on all of us. So one day Tiffany, who was

yeah:

like the leader of the soccer mom, say, 'I don't trust that bitch, you know. I think

yeah:

she's a spy, you know. She ain't got no kids that play soccer. She got them perky-ass titties.

yeah:

I ain't never seen that bitch lactate one time. So these soccer moms decide to take

yeah:

the spy down into the basement. You know what I’m saying. You know, that soccer mom life

yeah:

make you go crazy. You cutting oranges all day, taking little kids around in minivans

yeah:

to the gymnastics, soccer, all that shit. Needless to say that spy, that informant, she never

yeah:

made it out the basement. Before long we all got arrested and who do you think ended up

yeah:

taking all the blame? Me that's who. They said I was the milk-ring leader. Can you believe

yeah:

that shit? I mean it was true that I’d been selling God's golden liquid, but uh I

yeah:

didn't have nothing to do with that other shit.

yeah:

You want a bite of my bologna?

yeah:

[Miss Minj] Look at all them ladies. Looks like we'll be having a proper rap battle.

yeah:

Oye! Mozzies is out tonight. Cuddles hand me the spray.

yeah:

[Cuddles] What? [Miss Minj] The mosquito repellent, Cuddles.

yeah:

[Cuddles] Sorry I completely forgot [Miss Minj] Ah fucking hell! Cuddles, you know

yeah:

these little mingers love me blood, especially at night.

yeah:

[Cuddles] They never touch me. [Miss Minj] Yeah well you know like I’m

yeah:

a foreigner, like a delicacy. They sniff you and they're like, 'Oh yeah, what's that, like

yeah:

a cheeseburger?' But they sniff Miss Minj and they're like, 'Oh that's savory, different.

yeah:

Haven't smelled that one before. I'd like to get me a taste of that filet mignon.'

yeah:

[Cuddles] Isn't filet French? [Miss Minj] What's that? Are you saying my

yeah:

blood isn't good enough? French blood's better than me royal English blood? I never knew

yeah:

you were such a racist Cuddles. [Cuddles] I just think instead of steak you

yeah:

might say fish and chips. [Miss Minj] Oh fish and chips you fucking cunt.

yeah:

So according to Cuddles, my blood has to smell like bangers and mash. My blood has

yeah:

to stink like jellies and kippers. [Cuddles] Sorry, next time we go out I’ll

yeah:

be sure to bring the mosquito spray. [Miss Minj] Yeah my granddad was a Frenchy.

yeah:

Still loved his bacon sandwiches with HP sauce though.

yeah:

[Mabel] How y'all doing tonight? I’m Miss Mabel your host, you're master of ceremony.

yeah:

Welcome to the fourth annual epic rap battle.

yeah:

Let’s meet our first two contestants. Give it up for Chop Suzzy and the Goldtooth Mama.

yeah:

They'll each have 30 seconds to riddle us with rhymes. Since we ain't got a coin to

yeah:

toss we're going to do this alphabetically. Goldtooth Mama you're up first.

yeah:

[Goldtooth Mama Lyrics] One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one.

yeah:

[Goldtooth Mama Lyrics] One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one.

yeah:

[Cuddles] I think I uh... I think, I think... I’m having a heart attack.

yeah:

[Miss Minj] Is she taking the piss? [Cuddles] It looks like she's overdosing.

yeah:

[Mabel] Help... Help me. [Cuddles] Everybody step back. Give her some air.

yeah:

[Correctional Officer #1] What are you on? What substance did you take?

yeah:

[Mabel] Uh... Uh...Tuna. [Miss Minj] Is this for real?

yeah:

Is she going tits up in the middle of the rap battle?

yeah:

Fucking hell.

Show artwork for Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle

About the Podcast

Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle
A Serialized Audio Drama
In the 90s four ladies started a rap battle in a Manitoba correctional facility. This is the story of Miss Minj, Chop Suzzy, Cuddles, and Chartreuse.

Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle is a serialized comedy, audio drama. Listen for free on your favorite podcast platform such as Spotify, Apple Podcast, Sticher, and Amazon Music.

About your host

Profile picture for Deep Drag

Deep Drag

Deep Drag is a group of actors, writers, sound designers, artists, and film makers. We create content intended to promote conscious discussion and share stories that connect us and restores community.

Contact Us: deepdragdrama@gmail.com
Press Kit Download: https://shorturl.at/irAQW

Back in 2015 my friend Alzenira Quezada and I began telling each other stories about our lives. I started wondering what it would have been like if we had known each other twenty years ago. Over the next nine months, I took our stories and typed them out as a six hour script. From 2016 to 2020 we recorded the series, Flies in the Jar.

We enjoyed making Flies so much that we created two more audio dramas: Squad Car 22 and Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle.

Deep Drag Audio Dramas is what happens when two friends stop telling bar stories and start creating art together.