Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle - EP#3 - Milk Ringleader

Speaker: 00:00:02

[Narrator] In 1998, a radio producer was allowed to record in a Manitoba correctional facility.

Speaker: 00:00:08

These are the stories of the women inside.

Speaker: 00:00:11

[Song Lyrics] Come on now! That's right!

Speaker: 00:00:16

When I say hard you say time. Hard!

Speaker: 00:00:29

[Chorus] Time! When I say rap you say battle.

Speaker: 00:00:38

Rap! [Chorus] Battle!

Speaker: 00:00:40

That's right suckers! Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle!

Speaker: 00:00:43

[Chartreuse] I mean the worst part about being in the SHU is I ain't got my jams. I don't

Speaker: 00:00:49

give a shit about no TV, but my music that's what keeps me going. I got all them tapes

Speaker: 00:00:56

like Keith Sweat that's my boy right there. I like putting him on in the evening when

Speaker: 00:01:02

the cell blocks all dark and you know I need a little me time. You know what I’m saying.

Speaker: 00:01:09

Then in the mornings I like to listen to Alanis Morissette. You know, give me that energy

Speaker: 00:01:14

to get through today. Oh and then when I just like want to relax and chill out. That's when

Speaker: 00:01:20

I put on Enya. That bitch got a voice make you feeling like you flying over the ocean

Speaker: 00:01:25

or something like that. Magical. [Narrator] Do you listen to any new music?

Speaker: 00:01:30

[Chartreuse] Don't judge. All them singers was new when I got locked up. I mean see that's

Speaker: 00:01:37

the thing about doing time, right. When you get in here it's like everything stops, you

Speaker: 00:01:43

know. Whatever you was watching or listening to when you got locked up man that shits just

Speaker: 00:01:49

locked in place. The world keeps spinning, but you just stuck in the motherfucking past.

Speaker: 00:01:55

[Chartreuse] I mean the other day you asked me about if I was worried about going crazy

Speaker: 00:02:01

or something like that. I mean the truth is that you know most lifers in here after they've

Speaker: 00:02:07

been locked up for like 10-20 years. Man them motherfuckers go crazy. I mean that's why that D-block

Speaker: 00:02:14

got them motherfuckin' wooden doors on their houses. It's not because they want to give folks privacy.

Speaker: 00:02:19

It's because they want to be able to shut the door when you start screaming and hollering

Speaker: 00:02:23

about some bullshit. That's what happened to the Goldtooth Mama. You know me and Goldtooth

Speaker: 00:02:28

go way back. Shit that bitch the only real gangster up in this mothefucker. You know the RBC,

Speaker: 00:02:35

Royal Bank of Canada? Well one morning they straight marched in that motherfucker and took all

Speaker: 00:02:42

them loonies. [Narrator] Loonies?

Speaker: 00:02:44

[Chartreuse] Yeah, loonies is how you say money in Canada, man. Come on. So everybody

Speaker: 00:02:49

knows that the trick to like pulling off a robbery is you gotta sit on the cash for a

Speaker: 00:02:54

while, man. You know, you can't go out buying yourself a Cadillac or whatever. But uh the

Speaker: 00:02:59

thing is the Mama couldn't be doing that. Because you see, Goldtooth loved them chains.

Speaker: 00:03:05

Love to have that ice. You know one day I asked, 'Why didn't you just rob a jewelry

Speaker: 00:03:11

store?' You know what the Mama says? 'Chartreuse, it ain't about having the bling. It's about

Speaker: 00:03:18

being able to walk into the jewelry store, throw that cash down on the counter, and look

Speaker: 00:03:23

at that little motherfucking man in his face, and being like, 'Give me the Cartier bitch.' So

Speaker: 00:03:30

you know, by the time I got here like Goldtooth Mama had the whole yard stitched up. They

Speaker: 00:03:34

was straight running the D-block. You know what I’m saying? Everybody had to pay tribute

Speaker: 00:03:39

and all that. But then a couple of years ago all that changed. Goldtooth stopped leaving

Speaker: 00:03:45

the cell, stopped taking showers. And I was like damn. I mean sometimes when I'd go

Speaker: 00:03:52

past Goldtooth's cell I could hear like mumbling like they was talking to themselves. You know

Speaker: 00:03:57

what I’m saying? I guess what had happened was that all the gold teeth in Goldtooth Mama's

Speaker: 00:04:04

mouth was picking up like government radio signals and shit. I mean imagine that man.

Speaker: 00:04:09

You got like messages coming through your mouth. You know, through your teeth. So Mama

Speaker: 00:04:15

was convinced that the government was controlling the whole population through binary code,

Speaker: 00:04:22

You know, straight up controlling folks. I mean imagine that shit for a minute. That's

Speaker: 00:04:28

crazy as hell. But you know that's one of the reasons I started a rap battle. I knew

Speaker: 00:04:33

the only way to stop people from going cray-cray up in this bitch and get back into the world

Speaker: 00:04:38

was to give them a way to communicate.

Speaker: 00:05:00

[Miss Minj] Did I have anything to do with Chartreuse ending up in the shoe? Uh short

Speaker: 00:05:12

answer, 'no.' Yeah, look it's not my fault that she wandered into the wrong loo. I mean

Speaker: 00:05:20

if you think about it it really comes down to like respecting one's education. She's

Speaker: 00:05:25

been down for seven years. Has she taken a class? Has she tried to better herself? No.

Speaker: 00:05:32

Right, two years I’m in here, right. I’ve got me college, yeah. But Chartreuse, you

Speaker: 00:05:38

know she can't be bothered, right. Don't want to educate herself. Why not? Well, I don't

Speaker: 00:05:43

know. But I think she could stand to do a little bit learning.

Speaker: 00:05:49

[Miss Minj] Hey Cuddles, do you mind? I’m trying to do the interview.

Speaker: 00:05:54

[Cuddles] I’m just getting things ready so we can move into the D-building tomorrow.

Speaker: 00:05:57

[Miss Minj] If anyone did chartreuse wrong it was Cuddles. She spent the last year growing

Speaker: 00:06:03

those chilies in the greenhouse behind the kitchen. So everyone likes to act like oh

Speaker: 00:06:08

yeah she's so sweet or whatever. But you know, the truth is Cuddles is methodical, right.

Speaker: 00:06:16

She's been planning on how to steal that flat for months.

Speaker: 00:06:18

[Cuddles] All I did was ask the staff if we could grow chili's in the nursery.

Speaker: 00:06:22

[Miss Minj] Yeah right. No, I think you did a lot more than that love. Yeah and when she

Speaker: 00:06:26

says staff she means old Mitchell who works in janitorial. Yeah she went to go see him,

Speaker: 00:06:32

but you know first she had to tighten up her t-shirt so her tatas were level with his mug.

Speaker: 00:06:38

You know, hoisted her naughty pillows high enough to take out an eye. When she strutted

Speaker: 00:06:43

in, the man was doomed. He just started blustering like, 'Cuddles yeah anything for you love.

Speaker: 00:06:49

Sure Cuddles, no problem. Would you like to stick something up me ass? Yeah no problem here.'

Speaker: 00:06:57

Next thing you know, he's smuggling all kinds of peppers in. Anything you can think of,

yeah: 00:07:02

scotch bonnets, jalapenos, sriracha. You name it, he smuggled it.

yeah: 00:07:08

[Cuddles] That's funny. Sriracha’s actually a type of chili sauce.

yeah: 00:07:11

[Miss Minj] Yeah, right, well of course you're gonna make light of it, yeah. But don't be lured into her web, mate.

yeah: 00:07:11

Let me tell you she's diabolical, yeah. She'll flirt with you one day and then go straight

yeah: 00:07:22

to Kevin in janitorial the next. Chatting him up. 'Oh yeah yeah Kevin. What can I do

yeah: 00:07:28

for you? What can you do for me, Kevin? That's the real question.

yeah: 00:07:32

[Cuddles] His name is Trevor. [Miss Minj] Kevin, Mitchell, Trevor. It's

yeah: 00:07:36

difficult to keep up when there's so many. [Cuddles] Babe, I was just talking with them

yeah: 00:07:41

to get you things. You didn't mind when I got you that bathrobe.

yeah: 00:07:44

[Miss Minj] Yeah bathrobe was nice. Had Hilton stitched out on it so you know it's fancy.

yeah: 00:07:50

[Cuddles] See now she doesn't mind. [Miss Minj] That's one for the jugular because

yeah: 00:07:53

she knows she knows how I love me baths, you know. If I could get one thing here, it'd

yeah: 00:07:59

be a good long soak, yeah. Like a little splishy splashy, yeah. That's all I’m asking for.

yeah: 00:08:07

But you know, the reality is a lukewarm shower with a bunch of birds standing around.

yeah: 00:08:18

Fucking hell.

yeah: 00:08:36

[Chartreuse] How long will I be in the SHU? That all depends. Right now they're deciding

yeah: 00:08:47

if they want to bring me up on charges, but I mean, they probably haven't peeped my paperwork.

yeah: 00:08:52

When they see that I’m a lifer, I mean they ain't gonna take me to court and waste all

yeah: 00:08:57

that time. I mean once they see that shit, I’ll be back in the yard in two days.

yeah: 00:09:04

[Chartreuse] Shit I’ll probably be stuck eating these bologna sandwiches for another

yeah: 00:09:15

day or two. I mean the worst part is that the only thing that they give you to drink

yeah: 00:09:20

is a carton of milk. I mean come on man, that's inhumane. Have you read this carton? Look.

yeah: 00:09:27

This has been pasteurized, homogenized, and who knows how they make it two percent.

yeah: 00:09:28

How you gonna make it two percent? I mean it's like they they uh hook the milk up to this

yeah: 00:09:38

machine and suck the soul out, you know. I’m like a a political prisoner up in here.

yeah: 00:09:38

I led the fight against the industrial lactose complex, man.

yeah: 00:09:48

[Narrator] I thought you were in here for kidnapping.

yeah: 00:09:52

[Chartreuse] Nah man, I didn't do anything like that. You're reading my paperwork wrong.

yeah: 00:09:57

Now I’m gonna let you know. I’m gonna set the record straight. Right, so I used

yeah: 00:10:03

to be an au pair. You know like that's a fancy French word for uh babysitter. And so as I’m

yeah: 00:10:11

watching these kids and they're crying all of a sudden my titties start leaking.

yeah: 00:10:12

Every time I hear the sound of the crying baby my titties just start juicing, you know what

yeah: 00:10:21

I’m saying. So I go to the hospital, right, and I say to the doctor, 'Hey my breasts is

yeah: 00:10:27

like leaking this breast milks.' And the doctor's like, 'Well, basically you need to pump.'

yeah: 00:10:33

And I’m like, 'Pump? What you talking about? Like you ain't got no medicine or no surgery

yeah: 00:10:38

you can do to fix my titties?' And he's like, 'Nope.' So anyways, I go I get a pump and

yeah: 00:10:44

I’m in the park one day and the kids is crying on the playground and sure enough my

yeah: 00:10:50

titties start juicing. So I get my pump out, right. And I’m sitting there on a park bench

yeah: 00:10:56

just juicing my titties. And this muscle man comes up like a real muscly muscle man. And

yeah: 00:11:02

he's like, 'Hey girl!' And I’m like, 'Why are you trying to holler at me? Can't you

yeah: 00:11:07

see I’m pumping my titties?' And he's like, 'You know breast milk is good for weight lifters.

yeah: 00:11:13

You know, it's like a natural uh like supplement. And I’m like, 'Quit looking at me pumping

yeah: 00:11:18

my titties you pervert muscle man.' And he's like, 'I’ll give you twenty dollars for

yeah: 00:11:23

the bottle.' And I’m like, 'Shit, all right then.' So I start to thinking well if I could

yeah: 00:11:31

get some other bitches to make some titty milk then we could really make some money,

yeah: 00:11:36

you know what I’m saying. So one day I go down to like a soccer practice at the school

yeah: 00:11:40

and there's all these soccer moms around there. And I’m like, 'Hey, I bet you want to make

yeah: 00:11:45

some extra money. Why don't you pump your breast milks and I'll give you ten dollars

yeah: 00:11:50

a bottle.' I mean at first you know they thought I was crazy. But then you know, they see that

yeah: 00:11:56

I’m paying for that breast milk and so they start pumping for me, right. Let me tell you

yeah: 00:12:01

something. We was offering different kinds of flavors too, you know. We had like uh French

yeah: 00:12:06

Canadian breast milk, you know, for them fancy folks. We had the Saskatchewan breast milks,

yeah: 00:12:13

you know for the ones that want that thick cream head on top. It's real nice if you want

yeah: 00:12:18

to put it in your coffee or your smoothie. We had that punjab breast milk that's got

yeah: 00:12:24

that spicy curry flavor. You know what I’m saying. You add it to a soup and it just make

yeah: 00:12:29

that shit live, girl. So we was doing real nice, you know what I’m saying. But the

yeah: 00:12:34

problem is that once you start making money and you successful all of a sudden they start

yeah: 00:12:40

coming for your ass. You know what I’m saying. So the government set up like wiretaps and

yeah: 00:12:45

all that shit and they put one bitch into the circle that was like a spy. You know what

yeah: 00:12:50

I’m saying. She was collecting information on all of us. So one day Tiffany, who was

yeah: 00:12:56

like the leader of the soccer mom, say, 'I don't trust that bitch, you know. I think

yeah: 00:13:01

she's a spy, you know. She ain't got no kids that play soccer. She got them perky-ass titties.

yeah: 00:13:07

I ain't never seen that bitch lactate one time. So these soccer moms decide to take

yeah: 00:13:13

the spy down into the basement. You know what I’m saying. You know, that soccer mom life

yeah: 00:13:19

make you go crazy. You cutting oranges all day, taking little kids around in minivans

yeah: 00:13:24

to the gymnastics, soccer, all that shit. Needless to say that spy, that informant, she never

yeah: 00:13:33

made it out the basement. Before long we all got arrested and who do you think ended up

yeah: 00:13:39

taking all the blame? Me that's who. They said I was the milk-ring leader. Can you believe

yeah: 00:13:46

that shit? I mean it was true that I’d been selling God's golden liquid, but uh I

yeah: 00:13:51

didn't have nothing to do with that other shit.

yeah: 00:13:57

You want a bite of my bologna?

yeah: 00:14:12

[Miss Minj] Look at all them ladies. Looks like we'll be having a proper rap battle.

yeah: 00:14:26

Oye! Mozzies is out tonight. Cuddles hand me the spray.

yeah: 00:14:31

[Cuddles] What? [Miss Minj] The mosquito repellent, Cuddles.

yeah: 00:14:34

[Cuddles] Sorry I completely forgot [Miss Minj] Ah fucking hell! Cuddles, you know

yeah: 00:14:38

these little mingers love me blood, especially at night.

yeah: 00:14:41

[Cuddles] They never touch me. [Miss Minj] Yeah well you know like I’m

yeah: 00:14:45

a foreigner, like a delicacy. They sniff you and they're like, 'Oh yeah, what's that, like

yeah: 00:14:52

a cheeseburger?' But they sniff Miss Minj and they're like, 'Oh that's savory, different.

yeah: 00:14:57

Haven't smelled that one before. I'd like to get me a taste of that filet mignon.'

yeah: 00:15:01

[Cuddles] Isn't filet French? [Miss Minj] What's that? Are you saying my

yeah: 00:15:05

blood isn't good enough? French blood's better than me royal English blood? I never knew

yeah: 00:15:11

you were such a racist Cuddles. [Cuddles] I just think instead of steak you

yeah: 00:15:14

might say fish and chips. [Miss Minj] Oh fish and chips you fucking cunt.

yeah: 00:15:20

So according to Cuddles, my blood has to smell like bangers and mash. My blood has

yeah: 00:15:27

to stink like jellies and kippers. [Cuddles] Sorry, next time we go out I’ll

yeah: 00:15:33

be sure to bring the mosquito spray. [Miss Minj] Yeah my granddad was a Frenchy.

yeah: 00:15:38

Still loved his bacon sandwiches with HP sauce though.

yeah: 00:15:43

[Mabel] How y'all doing tonight? I’m Miss Mabel your host, you're master of ceremony.

yeah: 00:15:55

Welcome to the fourth annual epic rap battle.

yeah: 00:15:59

Let’s meet our first two contestants. Give it up for Chop Suzzy and the Goldtooth Mama.

yeah: 00:16:12

They'll each have 30 seconds to riddle us with rhymes. Since we ain't got a coin to

yeah: 00:16:17

toss we're going to do this alphabetically. Goldtooth Mama you're up first.

yeah: 00:16:29

[Goldtooth Mama Lyrics] One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one.

yeah: 00:16:45

[Goldtooth Mama Lyrics] One, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one.

yeah: 00:16:55

[Cuddles] I think I uh... I think, I think... I’m having a heart attack.

yeah: 00:17:02

[Miss Minj] Is she taking the piss? [Cuddles] It looks like she's overdosing.

yeah: 00:17:07

[Mabel] Help... Help me. [Cuddles] Everybody step back. Give her some air.

yeah: 00:17:15

[Correctional Officer #1] What are you on? What substance did you take?

yeah: 00:17:23

[Mabel] Uh... Uh...Tuna. [Miss Minj] Is this for real?

yeah: 00:17:31

Is she going tits up in the middle of the rap battle?

yeah: 00:17:35

Fucking hell.