Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle - EP#2 - Chicken Vindaloo

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[Narrator] In 1998 a radio producer was allowed to record in a Manitoba correctional facility.

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These are the stories of the women inside.

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[Song Lyrics] Come on now!

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That's right!

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When I say hard you say time.

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Hard!

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[Chorus] Time!

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When I say rap you say battle.

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Rap!

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[Chorus] Battle!

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That's right suckers!

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Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle!

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[Cuddles] Hey you all, your favorite girl is here.

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Come on over and get your water coolers.

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[Chartreuse] Ice ice baby.

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[Chartreuse] So so cold.

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[Cuddles] Now, let's see.

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This one is for the gun tower.

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I've got extra ice in here.

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Don't want that guy getting hot and shooting anyone.

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And this one's for Cherokee.

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I put half ice and half water just like you like it.

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[Chartreuse] Ooh damn Cuddles!

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You sure do know Cherokee.

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Cherokee loves sipping her some ice water all day long.

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[Cuddles] I've got two for the day room.

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You ladies want to take these and set them on the table over there?

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[Chartreuse] Oh yes ma'am, you know it gets hot in the day room.

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We need lots of water.

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[Chartreuse] All right, Cherokee's up in the office pouring a tall glass.

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Where's my order?

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[Cuddles] There you go yogurt curry and four pounds of chicken.

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[Chartreuse] Oh vindaloo curry!

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This takes me back.

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Girl, you coming to the spread today?

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We laying it out at one o'clock in the yard.

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[Cuddles] Can I bring Miss Minj?

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[Chartreuse] Shit yeah girl.

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Ain't no bad blood between us.

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We just doing, uh how you say, a friendly wager.

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[Cuddles] Oh I almost forgot.

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I got some habanero chilies.

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[Chartreuse] Oh damn girl!

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You done outdid yourself.

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[Cuddles] Don't put those on the spread.

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They're really hot.

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[Chartreuse] That's the truth.

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Most folks can't handle no spice.

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But Chartreuse likey likey.

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[Chartreuse] Mabel you up?

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I got the supplies girl.

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Come on Mabel, you said you needed work.

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You gonna cater this spread or what?

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[Mabel] Is that today?

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[Chartreuse] Girl, here's everything that you need to cook the chicken vindaloo.

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Now make sure that shit's ready before one o'clock yard.

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[Mabel] Yeah yeah, okay man.

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[Chartreuse] What's up with you girl?

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Oh my lord, you high as hell.

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What the hell was you thinking?

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We got this spread and the goddamn rap battles tonight.

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[Mabel] I just woke up feeling...

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You know how it is in here sometimes.

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[Chartreuse] Well, can you cook?

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[Mabel] You know next week gonna be my 10th anniversary in here.

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Ten years!

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[Chartreuse] Can you cook the chicken vindaloo or what?

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[Mabel] It's a spread.

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Ain't nothing to it.

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[Gun Tower] Resume program.

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[Miss Minj] How did I end up in the clink?

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Right, you just come out and ask don't you.

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Just like an American.

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No discretion, no savoir faire.

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Yeah, straight to the point eh.

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Americans always like to bully their way through conversations, don't they.

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[Cuddles] I'm American.

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[Miss Minj] Well then you tell the man how I ended up here.

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[Cuddles] Well about five years ago...

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[Miss Minj] See, that's what I mean.

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Here I am about to answer the question and Cuddles cuts right in.

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[Cuddles] Should I answer or...

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[Miss Minj] No Cuddles.

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No you shouldn't answer, okay.

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You shouldn't bully the conversation.

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[Miss Minj] Um right, so like about seven years ago I used to have like an exotic pet

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shop, you know.

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I always loved like animals and like rare animals so I thought like maybe I could just

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open up like a pet shop, and you know, sell them, and make a bit of money.

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like dwarf puffers, and zebra plecos, and black

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ghost knife fish, like all the different kinds of fish.

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It was like amazing.

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So like one day this bloke comes in and he's like, 'Hey you know, I'm Alice Cooper's manager,

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and you know Alice is playing tonight, and he wants like an exotic animal.'

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And I'm like what?

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Like first of all like what's Alice Cooper doing playing Sheffield, right?

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I didn't even know that like somebody as famous as him would come and play Sheffield, you know.

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Think like London Town or like Man City, but you don't think fucking Sheffield.

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But like whatever.

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So I look around the store and I'm like, well I'm a little low on stock and I'd like to

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move some of these tropical fish I got.

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So I'm like what about like a giant aquarium full of like zebra fish, right?

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And he's like, 'No no.'

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He's looking around and he's like, 'What about him?

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What about that guy?'

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Then I'm like, 'Who Frank?'

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And he's like, 'Yeah, how much?'

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And I say, 'Well, I guess I could part with him for like 200 quid.'

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And he goes, 'Done.'

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[Narrator] What was in the cage?

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[Miss Minj] See, here we go again.

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I'm trying to like build suspense or whatever and you just jump right into it.

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All right, fine.

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You want to know what was in the cage?

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Me pet boa constrictor, Frank.

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So long story short I sold Alice Cooper his first snake, okay.

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You happy now?

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But anyways so going on with the story.

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Like the next morning his manager comes back and he's like Alice loved the snake.

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The crowd went wild for it.

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And uh I was thinking you know um if you wanted to... the tour is headed to Canada and we

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need somebody to bring the snake.

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[Miss Minj] And I'm like, 'What?

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No no I can't be bothered.

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I'm not gonna bring the fucking snake to Canada.

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But then he counts out 2 000 quid right there on the counter.

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And he's like, 'This should cover transportation or whatever.

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And I'll give you another grand when you deliver.'

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I'm like, '3 000 quid to jump the pond with a snake.

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Uh yeah, I'll take that job.'

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So I start looking into like private planes, but they wanted like a shitload of money.

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So I'm thinking like, 'Well I could probably save a bit of money if I flew commercial.'

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So that night I put Frank in my duffel bag and I just boarded the plane.

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Because back then they didn't have like the same regulations that they do now, right.

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So, no one pulled me aside to check my bag.

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I just walked straight onto the plane.

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It worked so well that they actually had me fly with Frank like six more times.

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But then finally one day, I'm waiting for a flight from Vancouver to Los Angeles and

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I guess some nosy bitch saw that me bag was like wiggling or whatever.

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And she's like, 'Hey look at her.

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You know she's got something in that bag.'

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So security comes around, and they're like, 'Hey what's in the bag, you.'

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And I'm like, 'Oh you know nothing or whatever.'

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But then I see they're gonna open the bag.

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And I'm like, 'Wait wait wait!

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You know, you can't just open a bag with a boa constrictor in it.

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Like frank needs him a lullaby sung in order to get like relaxed like, you know.

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It's a big snake.'

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So I don't want to go into the details, but needless to say one of them security birds

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ended up in a hospital or whatever, and I ended up in here.

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But you know like for me, honestly like, the worst part of the whole thing was that Frank

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didn't get to make his debut in Los Ángeles.

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[Narrator] Excuse me, where?

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[Miss Minj] I mean that's how the Mexicans say it.

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I mean it's like a Mexican word, right?

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So that's not like weird to say it like that.

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[Gun Tower] In line!

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[Chartreuse] So you want to know what a spread is?

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Well typically, what you do is you take like six packs of ramen.

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And then you throw in, you know like, some mayonnaise and some crushed up Fritos.

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I mean some people throw in some cans of tuna, but today we got a special treat because Mabel

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put in that chicken vindaloos.

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Mm-hmm.

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[Mabel] Where you want this spread, girl?

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[Chartreuse] Put that shit on the table in the shade.

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[Chartreuse] So like I was saying the secret to the spread is is that you got to eat it

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while it's hot.

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You know, cause once them noodles get cold ain't nobody gonna fuck with that shit.

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You know what I'm saying?

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So that's why we got ours in a black trash bag.

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[Mabel] You want me to open it up?

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[Chartreuse] Yeah girl.

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Let's get this spread moving.

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[Chartreuse] Yeah, that shit looks yummy.

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Hey y'all, we got a spread going on over here.

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Come get yourself some chicken vindaloos.

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Here you go.

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Here's a plate for you.

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And here's a spoon for you.

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Here's one for you, girl.

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Hey come get in on this spread.

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All y'all is welcome to it.

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And uh don't forget that the rap battle is tonight and you know Chartreuse is gonna be

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dropping some bars and spitting some fire.

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[Narrator] Is this a way for you to get people to vote for you at the rap battle?

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[Chartreuse] Oh hell no!

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I know you ain't trying to play that mess.

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You got Chartreuse all wrong, you understand.

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I'm out here trying to do something for these nice women's.

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You know, give a little bit back.

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Some of these ladies are so broke they can't even afford tooth powder.

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[Miss Minj] Welly, welly, well, what have we got here?

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Looks like good old Chartreuse is throwing a spread.

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[Chartreuse] Yeah grab a spoon.

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Mabel went all out cooking up this vindaloos.

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[Miss Minj] Oh yeah?

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I always like a good curry.

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Got any heat in there?

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Best curries always make me eyes water.

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[Chartreuse] Oh child, you know I got that fire.

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habanero chilies.

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[Miss Minj] You think those got heat, do ya?

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I could munch those all day.

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[Chartreuse] Well for some people these is hot, but uh Chartreuse like to eat them like candy.

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[Chartreuse] Umm, hmm, yeah that's a good chili.

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Not real spicy as a matter of fact, but uh yeah it's got a nice flavor.

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Um yeah yeah, these chilies take me back.

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This reminds me of when I was a baby.

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[Chartreuse] Okay yeah, that's got a little heat to it.

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Mm-hmm okay, that one creeps up on you.

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That's that creeper chili.

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Hey Mabel, you got some water that you can lend me for a minute or a piece of bread I can hold?

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[Mabel] Sorry girl, I didn't bring nothing like that out.

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[Chartreuse] Oh shit girl, my tongue is going numb right now.

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I think I gotta go to the dookie room.

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[Mabel] Chartreuse, you're gonna have to go on the yard.

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Building's locked up till two o'clock.

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[Chartreuse] The yard? Hell no.

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I ain't dropping my drawers in front of everybody and the gun tower.

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[Miss Minj] There's a loo up in educations.

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[Chartreuse] I can't tell which end it gonna come out: my doo doo hole or my mouth.

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[Cuddles] I use the bathroom in education all the time.

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[Chartreuse] Well shit, I ain't never finished school so I might as well check it out.

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I'm about to doo doo in my pants.

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[Chartreuse] All right, let's see.

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That's an office.

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That's a classroom.

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Where this goddamn dookie room at?

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Oh lord!

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Oh thank God!

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Oh shit, that's fire!

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That's fire out my doo-doo hole.

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God damn, I'm gonna have to put some water on this motherfucker.

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It burn like hell. That shit like Satan's breath like Satan's tongue up in my doo-doo hole.

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Oh lord Satan that burn that burn my doo-doo hole.

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Oh God damn, that was a close one.

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Them ain't no motherfuckin joke ,I tell you what.

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[Chartreuse] All right.

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Keep your wig on.

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I'm just finishing up.

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[Correctional Officer #1] This is a correctional officer bathroom.

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Open up immediately.

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[Chartreuse] Oh shit, this is a cop bathroom?

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Damn Chartreuse, you done did it now.

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Uh uh just a second officer.

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[Correctional Officer #1] Get down on the floor and put your hands behind your head.

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[Chartreuse] Hey hold up officer.

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There seems to be a confusion.

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I never would have come up into your house and use your doo doo room on purpose, you feel me?

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[Correctional Officer #1] Search her for weapons.

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[Chartreuse] What?

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Weapons?

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What you talking about?

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All I got is a little dookie paper on my shoe.

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Oh shit, yeah! Damn, you thorough as hell.

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You get up on all them nooks and crannies, don't you.

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Oh shit child that tickles. Damn you giving Chartreuse fits right now.

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[Correctional Officer #1] Cuff her.

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[Chartreuse] Oh no no no.

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I just got lost ain't no need for handcuffs.

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Hey, hey, where you taking me, man?

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Come on.

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I need to go back to the yard.

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[Correctional Officer #1] Please follow the white line.

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[Chartreuse] No no, hold up a minute.

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This is all just a big old misunderstanding, you feel me?

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[Correctional Officer #1] You can tell me all about it when we get to the security unit.

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[Chartreuse] You taking me to the SHU for using your toilet?

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Come on man, you know that ain't right.

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[Miss Minj] What's this?

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Chartreuse is on the way to the hole?

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Chartreuse love, did you wander into the wrong loo?

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[Chartreuse] Oh hell no.

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That dirty, ass, snake in the grass.

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Miss Minj, you done done it this time.

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She done you dirty Chartreuse.

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She done you dirty as hell.

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[Cuddles] Is there any more chicken vindaloo?