Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle - EP#1 - A Friendly Wager
Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle is a serialized, comedy, audio drama. Listen to the stories of four ladies who started a rap battle in a Manitoba correctional facility during the 90s. In this episode Chartreuse and Miss Minj get ready for the rap battle by making a friendly wager.
For more information check out our website at deepdrag.com
A full list of music and sample credits can be found here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/57901336
Transcript
[Correctional Officer] Here she is, inmate K82994.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] K829- Do I look like a cow to you? I'm a lady with a name.
Speaker:[Narrator] Uhh, Chartreuse correct? [Chartreuse] That's the name my my mamma gave me.
Speaker:[Correctional Officer] I'll be right over there in my office if you need me.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] So where you thinking about putting the camera? Cause I was thinking
Speaker:over there in that side of the day room the sunshine makes my hair look real
Speaker:good. But I mean you's the expert so you know as long as chartreuse look yummy
Speaker:I'm fine with it.
Speaker:[Narrator] Uh, this is a documentary for radio.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] What? You mean this is just gonna be on the radio?
Speaker:You saying Chartreuse ain't gonna be on tv?
Speaker:I told everybody in here that I was going to be on the Real World Prison Edition.
Speaker:[Narrator] I'm sorry if if there was a misunderstanding.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Shit. But you still going to put money on my books, right?
Speaker:[Narrator] As soon as we finish I'll put 200 Canadian dollars in your account.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Okay fine, whatever. So, what's your first question then
Speaker:Mr. documentary man?
Speaker:[Narrator] Uh, let me just say a few words to introduce the material.
Speaker:In 1998 a radio producer was allowed to record in a Manitoba correctional facility.
Speaker:These are the stories of the women inside.
Speaker:[Song Lyrics] Come on now! That's right!
Speaker:When I say hard you say time. Hard! [Chorus] Time!
Speaker:When I say rap you say battle. Rap! [Chorus] Battle!
Speaker:That's right suckers! Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle!
Speaker:[Chartreuse] The rap battle? Oh yeah shit, that must have started like
Speaker:two or three years ago. You know in here you need things to look forward to girl.
Speaker:If all your days is exactly the same you're gonna go crazy and shit.
Speaker:[Narrator] Is going crazy something you worry about?
Speaker:I mean the rap battle started pretty small.
Speaker:I mean it was just like me and a few girls on the on the basketball court just like dropping bars.
Speaker:But uhh, these days everybody on the yard want in on it.
Speaker:In fact last year there were so many people we had to do a sign up sheet.
Speaker:[Narrator] Does the winner get a prize? [Chartreuse] Hold on baby, let's walk while we talk.
Speaker:I need to go holla at these ladies
Speaker:So this here is the D-block. And these is the best cells that you
Speaker:can get. All the houses is a little bit bigger.
Speaker:You know, because this is the old part of the prison.
Speaker:So you know, folks love it in here. What's not to love baby more room you know.
Speaker:But, in order to live up in this part they
Speaker:got to give Miss Chartreuse donations every month.
Speaker:See that's another thing. Up in here we got actual wooden doors on our houses.
Speaker:The other buildings ain't got that. Out there you just got bars between you and the world
Speaker:[Knock] Open up Mabel I know you in there.
Speaker:Don't turn off your TV and act like you ain't home. Get your ass up girl.
Speaker:[Mabel] Hey landlady, come on in. [Chartreuse] Yeah that's the other thing. They call
Speaker:me the landlady cause I look out for 'em. You know what I'm saying. I make sure
Speaker:that everything goes smooth up in here. [Mabel] Hey girl, what you doing up so early
Speaker:I was just making up some breakfast. [Chartreuse] Don't act like you don't know what day it is Mabel.
Speaker:[Mabel] Is it Sunday? You on your way to church?
Speaker:Ever since I lost my job I've started to lose track of time.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Mm-hmm, girl it's pay your rent day.
Speaker:[Mabel] Really? Already?
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Come on Mabel. I want to finish up so I can catch 10 o'clock yard. I got my beach
Speaker:towel ready and my suntan lotion. [Mabel] Uhh,
Speaker:things haven't been so good lately. Did I tell you I lost my job in the
Speaker:kitchen? [Chartreuse] Mm-hmm,
Speaker:It don't smell like you doing so bad. What you got there fresh eggs you frying
Speaker:up? Looks like you got the whole goddamn spread: coffee, toast, baked beans.
Speaker:[Mabel] Well... you know,
Speaker:this is all stuff I picked up before I got fired.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Look, cough up two soups today
Speaker:and tomorrow big mama Chartreuse gonna find you some work.
Speaker:[Mabel] Uhh... Here, but
Speaker:seriously if you got any jobs for me I could really use the work.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] You know I got this yard all stitched up. If I hear of anything, I'm a hook you up baby.
Speaker:[Music] [Chartreuse] Can you believe that?
Speaker:I put her up in a luxury suite and she tries to weasel her way out of
Speaker:paying the rent. And that's with the discount cause she's
Speaker:been here for so long. I charge most girls two cans of tuna.
Speaker:[Narrator] Is that slang for something? [Chartreuse] Slang?
Speaker:Nah man, it's just tuna. You know tuna fish, chicken of the sea?
Speaker:[Narrator] Who would you say was your biggest competition?
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Competition? [Narrator] In the rap battle.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Yeah I ain't got no competition there neither but let me see for the sake
Speaker:of you making your documentary. Uhh...
Speaker:There's Lady Ping Pong over there in the E-block.
Speaker:Then, who else? Let's see, you got the Goldtooth Mama.
Speaker:And... oh yeah, you can't forget about Chop Suzzy. That girl can spit some fire.
Speaker:I guess, if I'm gonna say, out of all the girls that's in the yard the one who can
Speaker:really give Chartreuse a run for her money is Miss Minj.
Speaker:[Music]
Speaker:[Miss Minj] That's what she told you?
Speaker:That minger thinks people actually call her the landlady?
Speaker:Nah, nah, that's not it at all. Cuddles set him straight.
Speaker:[Cuddles] We all call her the slumlord. [Miss Minj] Yeah that's right. Nothing nice about her.
Speaker:Yeah, she likes to make it sound like she does people a favor by moving them
Speaker:into her fancy flats, but the fucking truth is that if you don't hand over a
Speaker:fiver she moves you in here A-block, hell's kitchen, hottest, nastiest in the yard.
Speaker:I mean listen to that.
Speaker:You hear that? Everybody chatting about at the top of their lungs.
Speaker:Plus it's always like 35 / 40 C in here.
Speaker:[Cuddles] That's how Europeans say 95 to 100 degrees. [Miss Minj] Yeah right Cuddles, you don't need to translate.
Speaker:I'm sure they know how a thermometer works.
Speaker:[Cuddles] I forgot to ask can I get you some ice water?
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Ice water? Cuddles where your manners? At least offer him a cup of tea.
Speaker:Me mom sent over some proper English tea.
Speaker:Yeah and a tin of biscuits last month. Best tea you'll ever have.
Speaker:Cuddles put on the kettle.
Speaker:[Cuddles] [Sighs]
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Yeah, you guys are in for a treat I tell you.
Speaker:All right then, what were you asking me about my rapper name, yeah?
Speaker:You wanted to know why they call me Miss Minj, right? Yeah I'll tell you. It's
Speaker:because I love the minj. Yeah, I'm a minj connoisseur: black minj, brown
Speaker:minj, ginger minj. Yeah, I lick it up and down, and all around. I love the minj.
Speaker:Once I went all the way to Marrakech just to get some Moroccan minj.
Speaker:Tell 'em Cuddles tell him how I love the Minj.
Speaker:[Cuddles] She's got a sweet tooth especially for lollipops.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Yeah see, Cuddles will tell ya. She knows.
Speaker:[Narrator] I thought 'minj' was slang for vagina.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] What? You calling me a les? Do you think I go around sniffing fanny?
Speaker:What are you daft or what? I can't like sweets without you coming up here and calling me a todger dodger .
Speaker:Just because I like licking lollies doesn't mean all of a sudden
Speaker:I want to lick beans without toast. [Cuddles] He probably didn't understand
Speaker:because he's never heard an English accent.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Yeah, right, yeah. Yeah, that's true. That's a good point Cuddles.
Speaker:Sometimes I forget how most of the world doesn't have Sainsbury's or cheddar.
Speaker:Imagine that whole countries that have never heard of cheddar.
Speaker:Best cheese on the planet and they don't even know about it.
Speaker:Imagine that, yeah. Fucking hell.
Speaker:and you wonder why it's so easy for a country like England to go around
Speaker:colonizing places, yeah. It's because the Indians just didn't
Speaker:know. They'd never heard of cheddar. They didn't understand a bunch of red-faced
Speaker:men were taken over.
Speaker:[Cuddles] I think she meant to say Native Americans.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] What? How so? What? No. I'm talking about India mate.
Speaker:People from India are called Indians. [Cuddles] One earl grey.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] What you serious Cuddles? You didn't fix me up a cuppa?
Speaker:[Narrator] I'm really fine. Uh, you can have mine.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Uh, no no. Don't be daft. I'm not gonna let you pass up on
Speaker:trying a proper English tea.
Speaker:[Narrator] Umm, really good. [Miss Minj] Yeah, right proper like. Yeah, so what
Speaker:was you talking about before you started on about India or whatever?
Speaker:Oh yeah, you was thinking I was saying minj when I was actually saying minj.
Speaker:You hear the difference, right?
Speaker:[Music]
Speaker:[Chartreuse] All right then. Oh so you was asking does the winner of the rap battle get a prize?
Speaker:I mean, yeah I guess sort of. I mean it's more complex than that, you know. Because like...
Speaker:Um... How can I explain it? You see
Speaker:the winner gets three grand rap masters. Right, you probably thinking what the
Speaker:hell is that. Okay so basically that means that if I beat you I can call you
Speaker:out anytime anyplace and you got to show me respect.
Speaker:So like we could be in the middle of a chow hall and I could call you over and
Speaker:say, 'What's my motherfucking name?' And you would have to stand up and yell back, 'You
Speaker:the motherfucking rap master.' And I could be like, 'What? I didn't hear you.' And you
Speaker:have to say, 'Chartreuse! You the motherfucking rap master!' So I mean,
Speaker:really it's all about like winning respect, you know.
Speaker:Oh yeah and we throw in a packet of Little Debbie Donuts too.
Speaker:Um... Excuse me for a second. I just need to
Speaker:collect this last one before they call 10 o'clock yard.
Speaker:[Narrator] Is it against the rules to collect rent? [Chartreuse] What?
Speaker:Ain't nothing wrong with what I'm doing. I mean ask Cherokee right over there.
Speaker:You know the guard, that big girl watching the telenovela over there on the TV.
Speaker:If I was doing something wrong or some illegals,
Speaker:Cherokee be giving me an earful right now.
Speaker:[knock]
Speaker:Matter of fact, Cherokee
Speaker:started working the yard the same week I got here seven years ago.
Speaker:So we go way back. I mean, rumor has it that she was like
Speaker:this Olympic shot putter, right. Almost won the gold too. That's what they say.
Speaker:But you know those metal shot put balls they like real heavy, right.
Speaker:You could just look at one and be like, 'Oh damn, that baby got some weight to it.'
Speaker:So, what she did was to build her strength up, right.
Speaker:So, this bitch would go around with her shot put ball everywhere she went.
Speaker:Going to the Circle-K. 'Oh yeah I got to get my shot put.'
Speaker:Nap on the couch. 'Make sure I'm sleeping with that shot put.'
Speaker:So that was like her mental, you know. Like she got to be one with that ball.
Speaker:So like one morning she went to get some coffee at Tim Hortons.
Speaker:You ever been to Tim Hortons before? Oh Shit, ain't nothing like a java with a Boston cream
Speaker:man. That shit is good as hell.
Speaker:Anyways, Cherokee ordered a cup of coffee to go and the girl working the counter was
Speaker:like excited to be serving a Canadian Olympic team member. So she
Speaker:didn't even put the lid on correctly. So then Cherokee go to drink the cup of
Speaker:coffee and that hot coffee spilled down on her titties. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker:So she dropped the shot put and that shit fell right next to her foot.
Speaker:I mean just think about that for a minute. If that shot put had landed two
Speaker:inches to the left, she might have broke her foot and ended her career right then and there.
Speaker:So you know that was a close call.
Speaker:[Narrator] How did this lead to her becoming a prison guard?
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Oh yeah well I mean that wasn't really part of the story, you know.
Speaker:That's not the point. You know, I'm just trying to tell you that Cherokee
Speaker:almost was like a great Canadian sports hero. But I guess that's not enough for you, huh?
Speaker:You want to know the grit, the down and dirty? Well that's fine.
Speaker:So, as soon as that shit hit the floor Cherokee reached across the counter,
Speaker:grabbed that bitch by her neck, pulled her over the counter, and if it wasn't
Speaker:for the captain of the Canadian curling team she probably would have
Speaker:killed that bitch to death.
Speaker:[knock]
Speaker:Hey Chop Suzzy, you better be at work bitch.
Speaker:If I hear you was hiding from me, i'm coming for your ass.
Speaker:[Music]
Speaker:[Miss Minj] So this is me Sony Walkman Cassette Tape Deck.
Speaker:Yeah I was a bit gutted when it first came in the post because it was like a
Speaker:nick in the case. But you know, I added like a bit of gold
Speaker:plating and it started to look proper gangster.
Speaker:[Cuddles ] It's gold paint. [Miss Minj] Yeah right but you know
Speaker:looks like gangsta' don't it. I'm thinking next like I'll put some
Speaker:rhinestones all around the front you know. Make it match me teeth.
Speaker:[Music] So here's me demo.
Speaker:[Music]
Speaker:As soon as I get out to the record labels I'm going to be like at the top
Speaker:of the charts. I mean Slick Rick did it, right.
Speaker:He recorded a whole album behind bars. [Cuddles] I'm the one doing the beat.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Cuddles, can't you see that I'm trying to talk to
Speaker:the documentarian about the Walkman. It's my prized possession.
Speaker:[Cuddles] Her mom sent it to her.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Cuddles, for fuck sake. I'm talking.
Speaker:[Music]
Speaker:[Gun Tower] In-line.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Yeah so, there's the yard right here. Over there you got the library and the
Speaker:commissary. Past that gate is where they got to
Speaker:SHU. Yeah you don't want to wind up in the
Speaker:SHU. That shit's cold as fuck. Uh, over here is where I spend most of my
Speaker:time on a basketball court. I mean you might look at me and think I can't ball
Speaker:but chartreuse will school your ass on the court. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker:I mean my booty was made for boxing out. But I got all the moves. I can do the
Speaker:pick and roll. I got them post moves like Elijah Won.
Speaker:Chartreuse gonna drop that Kobe fade away on your ass too.
Speaker:But uh yeah, let's pop a squat right here. Uh, would you mind rubbing some of that
Speaker:suntan lotion on my back. You know I can't be getting sunburned before the
Speaker:rap battle.
Speaker:Oh yeah. Yeah rub it right there. Mm-hmm
Speaker:Oh yeah. My neck,
Speaker:My back... Yeah that feel real good.
Speaker:Mm-hmm. Oh yeah, a little to the left.
Speaker:Yeah yeah. Hey, put a little extra pressure right there.
Speaker:Like don't be afraid to massage it. Yeah, oh that's nice. Mm-hmm, that's what
Speaker:I'm talking about baby.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Well if it isn't Lady Chartreuse out here peeping my court.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Oh Miss Minjie Minjie. You blocking my sun, bitch.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] You out here deciding the best place to put your tombstone after I bury you tomorrow night.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Tombstone. I'm thinking about where I'm
Speaker:gonna put my throne, bitch.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Sounds like somebody's got high aspirations.
Speaker:Fancy a friendly wager?
Speaker:[Chartreuse] We'll Chartreuse ain't the gambling type, but I guess I could use a new radio.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] What? You eyeing me Sony Walkman Cassette Tape Player?
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Yeah, you know, those radio motors make real nice tattoo guns.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Wait, you wanna tear apart me Walkman, me pride and joy,
Speaker:to draw mickey mouse faces on somebody's tits?
Speaker:[Chartreuse] I don't care if we make a bet or not. You the one that brought it up.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] All right then. You win and I'll hand over me Walkman,
Speaker:but if I win, you're moving me and Cuddles into your flat.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] You move in?
Speaker:There ain't no space up in there for three people.
Speaker:[Cuddles] She doesn't mean all three of us would live in the same cell.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Oh, so you want Chartreuse to swap with you.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Look, you can move yourself wherever you like
Speaker:but me and Cuddles get your flat. Right, Cuddles give me a beat.
Speaker:[Cuddles Beatbox]
Speaker:No, Cuddles. Do like that futuristic beat that you do. You know the one.
Speaker:[Cuddles Beatbox]
Speaker:[Miss Minj] What's the hang up? You ain't got the chops to battle me? You the last in line
Speaker:at the chippy? [Chartreuse] Oh, you want to hear a little sample?
Speaker:All right, why not.
Speaker:Honey please, I smoke you like weed. My lyrics so cut they make your ears bleed.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] Best not be hiding in the house tomorrow night. Miss Minj will come for you and lay down
Speaker:your last rites.
Speaker:[Chartreuse] Hiding out,
Speaker:I don't think so Chartreuse will pop your ass like a fat pimple.
Speaker:Stepping to Chartreuse is like... [Cuddles Beatbox Ends]
Speaker:Hey hey, Cuddles why you stopping in the middle of my rap?
Speaker:[Cuddles] It's really hot out here.
Speaker:[Miss Minj] What? You winding me up? I had the rhyme at the tip of me tongue.
Speaker:Good looking out Cuddles. Good looking out.
Speaker:[Cuddles] Can I get some of that suntan lotion? [Miss Minj] Fuckin' Hell.
